Beauty or Distraction—Pick One

by Donya Dunlap | May 24, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things

In my last post I talked about how my plans to become a full-time writer finally came true, but it doesn’t look anything like it thought I would. A large part of what I imagined included directing a non-profit to minister to women and introduce them to a full life in Christ. I looked to Isaiah 61 as kind of instruction manual. I, as an extension of the hands and feet of Christ, had been given a mission to turn ashes into beauty, mourning into joy, and heaviness into praise through the power of the Holy Spirit to the glory of God.

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

You can understand my confusion and grief when God redirected my life through the loss of my mother and brought me back to Michigan, otherwise known as Narnia. Michigan is a beautiful place…in June. Come November, Winter invades for six months making you wonder if God turned out the sun and if Spring will ever come again EVER.

So many things in my life are different from what they were a month ago, making my center of gravity quite out of balance. I often find myself saying things like, “Don’t think about it. Now is not a good time to cry. Think about something else.” Sadly, my brain isn’t very obedient. Telling myself to stop thinking about how my mother would have loved eating Sunday lunch with us on the screen porch or how happy should would be that the Tigers won their ball game, doesn’t work. When my eyes start to fill with tears, I quickly grasp at anything to distract myself. Phone. iPad. Laundry. Cleaning. Anything that will stop my brain from going down its current trail of thought.

In the middle of doing this the other day, the thought struck me just how quickly and effectively this distraction trick works. No more sadness. No more tears. Just 43 minutes of whatever show I am behind in on Hulu.

My mind immediately went to my soon-to-be-released ebook, The Wonder Woman’s Manifesto. In it I talk about various ways fear manifests its way in our lives, keeping us from what matters most. Distraction is one of those manifestations.

What am I afraid of?

Am I worried of bringing sadness into a beautiful day? Chances are everyone sitting around our dining table had similar thoughts. We all miss Mom.

Am I afraid of appearing weak? I know that grief is not weakness and that emotion is a gift from God. I know that expressing emotion aids in healing and that people who suppress emotion are more likely to develop physical illnesses than people who face and process their grief.

Am I afraid of losing control? Of streaking my make up? Of causing my father worry? The answer is likely yes to all of these things in various measures.

Emotions are basically puppies

The thing about emotions that we must remember is they aren’t house trained. You can keep them locked up for a while, but at some point, either with your permission or without it, they will get out and make a mess.

They might come out in anger. They might come out in overreacting to your kinds and yelling in frustration. They might come out in depression. They might come out in overeating, over committing at work, over scheduling your calendar, binge watching television, and any number of other things…but one way or another, they will come out.

Choosing to deal with your emotions in healthy ways such as talking to a friend or counselor, journaling, or doing things for others in remembrance of a lost loved one can aid in healing your own heart and being an encouragement to others. By choosing to ignore your emotions, you end up hurting yourself and others, often irreparably.

Creating beauty from pain

I read an article this week of a couple that lost their two young sons in an accident, a tragedy that could easily dissolve a marriage. However, instead of turning their grief inward, the Eddings chose to raise money in honor of their boys to open a school in Haiti. Because they chose to deal with their emotions generously, hundreds of children will now receive an education and the short lives of their sons will have generational impacts on innumerable families.

I encourage you to think of what you might be using in your life as a distraction. Is there an unresolved pain you are hiding from? How can you face that pain in a positive way that will allow yourself to heal and be a help to someone else? What might God be asking you to do with your ashes?

Asking yourself these questions can be difficult, but it can also be rewarding. I challenge you today to name what you are hiding from as a first step in healing. Acknowledge that you are using _____ to distract you from _____ and then ask God for strength to face that pain and turn it into a blessing instead.

God’s desire is to bring beauty from the ashes of our pain, but we must be active participants in the process. Will you let Him do a great work in you?

When You Get What You Want…and It’s Disappointing

by Donya Dunlap | May 19, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things

We all have dreams of our perfect life. Some girls just want to get married and be a mom. Some imagine themselves in business suits and the recognition that comes with an executive’s lifestyle. Me? I’ve wanted to be a full-time writer and ministry director for years. But what do you do when God answers those prayers and gives you what you want, but it’s not like you thought it would be?

When you imagine kissing your handsome husband and holding your angelic newborn, the image is always camera ready. The sun is shining. The house is perfect. Everyone is in matching clothes. You don’t imagine not sleeping for more than two hours at a time for weeks, showering every other day if you’re lucky, a screaming child, a crying mother, a husband that questions your sanity, and every dish in the house sitting on the counter waiting to be washed.

When you plan the decor for your corner office, you probably aren’t thinking about the long hours, the backbiting office gossip, the IT guy that you suspect is stalking you, and the admin assistant that hates you.

In my dreams, I imagined living in a house on the beach, going for an early morning walk to clear my mind then sitting down for several hours of quiet Bible study and writing. I imagined publishers vying over my newest book. I imagined being at the top of the New York Times Bestseller list and speaking around the country to women in need of encouragement.

Reality is nothing like I imagined.

I have been given a wonderful gift. I have the opportunity to be a full-time writer. But with that comes trying to figure out how to live in a house that isn’t mine and navigating a new relationship with my father without my mother. I get to set my own schedule, which is lovely, but very strange and awkward after so many years of having someone else dictate when and where to go to work and what time my evening events were to take place. I have persistent doubts about the e-books I’m preparing to self-publish and constantly question if my writing will ever have a God exalting impact in anyone’s life.

I got what I wanted…and it’s terrifying.

Some people think that God withholds things from us or gives us what we want in a way that we never imagined to mess with us. They reduce God to a capricious genie in a bottle with themselves as the master. When things don’t turn out the way they imagined, they get mad at God, abandon their families, or try new occupations, all in an effort to find this elusive thing we call happiness.

This is what happened time and again with the Israelites. They wanted released from the slavery of Egypt, but when freedom didn’t turn out to be like they dreamed, they complained and talked of returning to bondage. They asked for a king and became unhappy under faulty leadership and heavy taxes. Psalm 106:13-15 records:

They soon forgot His works; They did not wait for His counsel,
But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tested God in the desert.
And He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul. (NKJV)

I don’t mean to imply that God always gives us what we want to teach us a lesson or because we are acting out of rebellious hearts. My point is that no matter how glorious we imagine the grass to be on the other side of where we are now, there will always be some form of stinky fertilizer to face. God doesn’t do this to punish us, but to help us rely on Him in every aspect of our lives. I believe God’s desire is to train us to keep our eyes on Him without His having to put obstacles in our way to force us to our knees.

A few things to remember if your life is less than you imagined it would be:

1. Nothing is ever as good as it seems. That yoga mom that rocks a size 2 and perfect makeup? She has her days of puking inconsolable children too. That best selling author you follow? You don’t know how many years he has been trying to perfect his craft and how many rejection letters he’s cried over. Give yourself grace. (Psalm 31:23)
2. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems either. Storms come, and they may be fierce, but they are always temporary. The afternoon showers and the hurricane both have a time limit. You will get through your storm if you don’t give up. Cling to God. He is the rock that will keep you steady. (Isaiah 26:3-4)
3. God isn’t messing with you. God does not rejoice in our sorrow. Scripture makes it clear that He cares when our hearts are broken (Psalm 56:8), and He desires good for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11). He may be allowing a trial to refine you more into His image, but He does this out of love, and not evil.
4. Every good thing takes time, patience, love, and hard work to develop. Paintings, piano concertos, marriages, children, jobs, books, ministries…they all have to be formed over time. Rushing the process, taking shortcuts, and quitting all end up hurting you as the co-creator with God and result in substandard outcomes. If you desire a beautiful (fill in the blank as you choose) that will bless and encourage others, you must submit to God and allow Him to orchestrate the process as He sees fit. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

God makes all things beautiful in His time. If it isn’t beautiful yet, it isn’t time. Trust God, trust His process, and trust yourself. God is doing a good work in and through you. (Hebrews 13:20-21)

When Grief and Loss are Inconvenient

by Donya Dunlap | May 16, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things

Days after accepting a new job, I learned that my mom had cancer. A few weeks after that, I realized it was progressing incredibly fast. A few weeks later, she was gone.

When her 70th birthday came in December, we had no idea it would be her last. It wasn’t part of the plan for 2016 to bury one of the kindest, most loving, straight-shooting, self-sacrificing mothers this world has known.

It is inconvenient to find yourself crying on the way to meet friends…and your makeup is on the counter at home. It’s difficult to turn in a resignation letter for a job you held for five weeks. It’s awkward to leave the room at a birthday dinner because your brother just opened a card that his mom purchased before her passing.

The natural reactions that well up within are resistance and questioning. It’s not supposed to be this way. This shouldn’t be happening. She doesn’t deserve this. This isn’t fair. This isn’t right. Why her? Why now? What happens next?

I understand why people question God. When grief hits your life and throws you off balance and off schedule, you feel helpless and desperate to gain back some feeling of control.

It’s easier to blame God than to accept truth.

Sickness and death are consequences of man’s fall from God’s perfection to our current state of sin and wickedness. Does God have control over every aspect of our lives? Absolutely. But much of the time, our lives follow the natural laws of existence. We are born. We live healthy or sickly lives based on our genetic lineage and our lifestyle choices. Either by accidental or natural causes, we die at the time God has appointed for our lives on earth to end. Then based on whether or not we accepted or rejected the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on our behalf, our souls live on in eternal joy with Christ or eternal torment apart from Him.

Intellectually, we understand that everyone goes through this same process, but when someone you love is in pain, you are in pain. And pain trumps logic and reason. When you feel like an unseen force has a vice grip on your soul, you can’t breath, can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t think straight. You instinctively want someone to pay for the pain. The drunk driver, the doctor, God.

The thing we so often fail to see is that Someone already paid for our pain. Someone that has experienced the same emotions and disappointment and loss that we have, chose to give His sinless life to pay for the horrible grief we experience as a result of sin. Jesus’ sacrifice doesn’t eliminate our pain, but He gives our pain purpose and hope. Through our sorrow, we can rejoice in a God that sees our tears and is walking with us in our grief. His sacrifice makes it possible for us to see our loved ones again in eternity and for us to help others in their pain while here on earth. We can pray for each other in understanding because we have been where they are.

My dear friend, Heather, lost her dad three months ago. When she tells me she is praying for me I am encouraged, because I know that she really is praying and that she knows exactly how I feel and what I need. Another dear friend, Paul, is sitting with his mother in the hospital as she fights to recover from bypass surgery. I know how he feels helpless to care for her as he wants and how he would take her pain on himself in an instant if he could. I know that he fears losing her, and how he prays for her healing in addition to surrendering to God’s will if He should choose to take her home. I know this because I was in the same place several weeks ago, holding my own mom’s bruised, IV laden hand. This understanding helps me pray for Paul, and his dad, sister, wife, and kids as they all walk through this scary time together.

Grief and Loss are Inconvenient Gifts

Grief and loss are inconvenient, but they are also refining. They help us see the true state of our relationship with Christ and with others. They help us realize what truly mattters in this life. They give us the gift of reorganized priorities. They enable us to have greater empathy for the lost and hurting in this sin-sick world.

Grief and loss are inconvenient, but they give us a chance to reconnect, to forgive, to love, to honor memories and a life well lived. Choosing to hold on to pain, anger, and resistance to God is to hinder the growth, comfort, and freedom God longs to give us in our trial. Acknowledge the hurt, but accept the healing as well.

What if blessings come through rain drops?
What if healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are Your mercies in disguise?

-Blessings by Laura Story

The Mourning After: How Do You Return to Life After Loss?

by Donya Dunlap | May 5, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things

I woke up this morning and didn’t know what to do.

One month ago, I woke up and went to work. That weekend I drove up to visit my parents. It was then that I realized just how sick my mom was. She had been diagnosed with cancer in late February, but still looked good in early March. By early April, her appearance had completely changed and she was having trouble breathing from the fluid her body was no longer processing. Suddenly, I knew frequent visits over the next few months was not enough. I needed a new plan. I decided to quit my job and move home to love on my mom and care for my dad for as long as God left them with me.

Eight days later, my mom met Jesus.

Her final days were filled with hospital rooms and hospice beds, nurses, and pain relievers. There were tears, memories, and even a little laughter. But all too quickly came funeral arrangements, flowers, and well wishes from family and friends.

Today marks one week of Mom’s graduation to heaven and our attempts at moving through life without her smile, her wisdom, and her love. This morning, for the first time, there weren’t any services to attend or ceremonies to honor her memory. There was only a beautiful, blue skied Michigan morning returning my gaze out the window. I listened to the silence of the house, knowing the sound of her slippers padding down the hall would not come on this morning. I knew that today I had to begin my new life without her, and I didn’t know what to do.

I had plenty to do of course…errands to run, boxes to unpack, dishes to wash, bathrooms to clean, research papers to write, tests to take…but how does one simply pick up the pieces of a shattered heart and do laundry?

Just before she passed, my mom could barely speak. It took a great deal of energy to pull together words through the fog the morphine had spread through her mind. I was sitting beside her and through my tears, I told her that I wished I could go with her to heaven. She looked at me with eyes that had yellowed from her disease and said, “no.” She didn’t need to say anymore. I knew exactly what she meant. It was her time, not mine. I still need to care for my daddy and continue reaching out to hurting women. I still have words to write and Scripture lessons to teach. As much as I desperately wish I could hug my momma in heaven, it’s not my time to go.

So despite my tears, I find myself running to the store, washing my bedding, and writing…because I know that’s what my mom would want me to do. She believed I could be a great writer if I could dedicate the time to the work, and in asking me to care for my dad in her absence, she has also given me the gift of time. More than anything, I want to use her gift to make her proud.

I don’t know how much time I have left. Mom had only 70 days after her diagnosis to spend with us. None of us expected her life to be cut so short. But God’s plans are higher than our plans (Isaiah 55:9). He knows the moment He will call me home to see His face and hug my mom again. I don’t. But I do know that spending each day in service to others is something both Jesus and my mom can smile about.

Make the most of the time you have.

You don’t know the day or the hour that Jesus will call you or a loved one home. It can be easy to get wrapped up in a job or a routine and forget to relish the time you have with family. It’s so easy to take people for granted and assume that you have time to say the things you need to say, or make memories to cherish for a life time. Regardless of the time you have, it’s never enough. Don’t waste it. Hug your family a little tighter tonight and thank Jesus for another day, another funny story, another mess in the kitchen, another kiss goodnight.