by Donya Dunlap | Aug 26, 2018 | Random, The Spiritual Life
Home.
Belonging. Sanctuary. Peace. Home cooked meals. Candlelight. Movie nights. Moonlit streets. The perfect paint color. Safety. Love. The outward expression of an inward self.
Missing my mother is an incomparable ache that will never be filled. But missing home…missing home is something else.
It’s odd, for this wanderer to miss something I’ve never really had. The closest thing to family I found in Atlanta with friends that knit themselves right into my heartstrings. The closest thing to love a glimmer of memory even farther back.
The closest to home, a little, rented cottage with original wood floors and wide white trim. A porch meant for summer nights and a fireplace aglow with candlelight. My first book was birthed there. My second degree began there. My call to women’s ministry gifted there. I came into myself in that tiny, two-bedroom space on Mayfield Drive. And I miss it. More than I can say.
I feel like Captain Jack Sparrow when he said,
Wherever we want to go, we go. That’s what a ship is, you know. It’s not just a keel and hull and a deck and sails. That’s what a ship needs. But what a ship is… what the Black Pearl really is… is freedom.
For Jack, home was the wide expanse of ocean and sunrise, an adventure at every port, and friend to enjoy it with. The Black Pearl gave him that. They had a symbiotic relationship, Jack and Pearl.
For me, home is more than a kitchen and curtains, and furniture and drapes. Home is wholeness, and beauty, and feeling completely at rest with yourself. Home is comfort and laughter, and unconditional love. Home is knickknacks from trips you’ll never forget, and too many people crowded around a table full of food, and a hug you don’t ever want to be let go from.
Nearly every night I sit in a chair chosen by my mom and look at wall color and curtains, flower arrangements and furniture, and it feels like…an echo. This room was her sanctuary. Her comfort. Where she would hide away and read and forget about the world. Pieces of her life surround me in this place and yet the truth of her, the essence of her, the warmth of her is gone. I miss her. A hug from mom always felt like home. And now all I have is her house, a shell, a shadow of what used to be.
My heart aches with longing to belong and I think of that old song,
This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from Heaven’s open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.
Moses knew what it meant to feel out-of-place. Nehemiah and Daniel too. And none felt more homesick than Jesus Himself. Separated from His father, His glory, His infinite majesty, wrapped in skin and bone, serving the hungry and broken. Homeless in every sense of the word.
I pray one day I’ll have a place to call my own. I dream daily of decorating, and hosting dinner parties, and raising a little girl to love books and music and Jesus as much as I do.
Maybe it’s silly to crave a dinner served on plates I’ve picked out myself. But I think Jesus understands. He told His disciples He was leaving to prepare a place for them. Jesus knew the importance of coming home. He knew His people were about to leave family and friends and possessions to share the Gospel with a world that would reject them. He knew how painful being an alien in a foreign land could feel. So He promised them a home-coming to look forward to.
I may never have the house I look forward to. And if I do, I may find out it’s not all I dreamed it would be. Dreams can be like that sometimes. But one day I’ll see that City on a Hill and know I belong. And you and I will sit at a banquet table fit for our King and together we will celebrate all He is forever. And that…that will feel like home to me.
Notes:
“Feels like Home” lyrics by Randy Newman. Copyright by Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
“Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl Quotes.”Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2018. Web. 26 Aug. 2018. <https://www.quotes.net/mquote/73451>.
“This World Is Not My Home” lyrics by Mary Reeves Davis. Copyright by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC.
by Donya Dunlap | Aug 11, 2018 | Making a Difference, The Spiritual Life
.
I wish you could see what I see.
A mom soldiering through unbelievable heartache, raising her children with grace and courage and a substantial dose of quirky humor to color life bright. While her husband is lauded as the conquerer, she remains invisible. The very bones and sinew holding it all together.
I wish you could see what I see.
A wife battling in prayer for the wounded, the wandering, the blind, and the hurtful. She keeps on loving and clinging and fighting though her very heart would lie in a thousand pieces if not physically contained within her chest by the hand of a Holy Comforter.
I wish you could see what I see.
A daughter clinging to life and wholeness when everything within her screams to just let go. Every day facing the demons, the memories, the choking fears and immobilizing pain. Every minute choosing to keep breathing, keep believing that God has a plan. That He hears. That He heals.
I wish you could see what I see.
Warriors. Defenders. Heroes.
Women who refuse to let evil win and cynicism reign. Women who choose life and love. Women who stand strong though feeling oh so weak. Women who labor in their grief, their silence, their suffocating isolation.
These are the mighty ones. Women of faith. Women of courage. Women I am honored to call friends.
David had friends like these. One named Shammah stood alone when all others ran from the fight. He stood tall and brave, planting his feet in a field none would say was worth fighting for. A plot of lentils. Not gold or diamonds, presidential or palatial. A simple square of earth. Dust and beans. A memorial to character, determination, and grit.
Like Shammah, there are those fighting day in and day out in their God-ordained battles. Do you see them?
These women wipe sleep from dark circles and glare at the Enemy. These Daughters of the King know they are covered before and behind in Holy Spirit armor and wisdom. They know nothing can come against them that their Heavenly Daddy and a little waterproof mascara can’t overcome.
They don’t feel as brave as these words make them sound. They feel small and afraid. Lonely. Tired. Trampled. But they don’t see what I see.
I wish they could.
I wish you would.
And if you do…maybe hold a mirror for the warrior princess you’re blessed to know. The one that inspires you to keep on keeping on because if they can you can too. She might not see today what you can see. And what are girlfriends for if not to check for green in pearly whites, background scope the new guys, and send Starbucks gift cards when arms are too short to give hugs?
These are the names of the mighty men whom David had: Josheb-basshebeth a Tahchemonite; he was chief of the three. He wielded his spear against eight hundred whom he killed at one time. And next to him among the three mighty men was Eleazar the son of Dodo, son of Ahohi. He was with David when they defied the Philistines who were gathered there for battle, and the men of Israel withdrew. He rose and struck down the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clung to the sword. And the Lord brought about a great victory that day, and the men returned after him only to strip the slain. And next to him was Shammah, the son of Agee the Hararite. The Philistines gathered together at Lehi, where there was a plot of ground full of lentils, and the men fled from the Philistines. But he took his stand in the midst of the plot and defended it and struck down the Philistines, and the Lord worked a great victory. – 2 Samuel 23:8-12 ESV
by Donya Dunlap | Jul 29, 2018 | Art and Design
Things can be a little somber around DonyaDunlap.com sometimes so I thought I’d post a little light-hearted glimpse of my weekend and a quick trip down memory lane.
I distinctly remember the day I called home from college and my mom was so excited to tell me about a stamping party she went to. This was surprising for a number of reasons, namely my mother much preferred reading a book to socializing. Secondly, she was rarely the type to jump on a trend. Lastly, outside of sewing an outfit for a special occasion or crocheting a baby blanket for someone special, I had never known her to enjoy hobbies or crafting of any kind. Nevertheless, she was having fun and she just knew I would love this new hobby too.
As usual, she was right.
I came home for a visit and my mom, my Aunt Mary (who really isn’t my aunt, but I’m named after her so she might as well be) and myself all went to my first Stampin’ Up party. I loved it so much I began scrapbooking and stamping cards for friends and collecting all the “necessary” accessories I could get my hands on. We would get together and make all sorts of pretty things and memories too.
Mom is no longer with us, and I don’t stamp nearly as much as I used to, but my Aunt Mary and I enjoy a play day every time we happen to be in the same town at the same time. (This is her. We’re a little messy.)
This is us at Kitchitikipi earlier this month. (Yes, that is a real word. I just noticed our hair matches.)
Just for fun, I thought I’d share a sampling of what I made the last three times we stamped together. If you’re a regular reader and you’re worried that I’m going all craft-crazy-blogger on you…I’m not. I promise. I’ll be back to my serious writerly things next post. Happy Weekend!
Disclaimer: The stamp sets, inks, and some cardstock used in making these cards come from Stampin’ Up. I don’t get any financial kickback from telling you so. Just full-disclosure. Some of the printed paper also comes from Stampin’ Up, but the majority is from various companies purchased at any number of places.
“Rose Wonder” set
“Barn Door” set
“Big Flowers set with “Think Happy Thoughts” set and “Curvy Verses” set
“Sky is the Limit” set
“Priceless” set with “Favorite Greetings” set and “Lots of Thoughts” set
by Donya Dunlap | Jul 21, 2018 | Write Hard Things
It’s been 814 days since my mother died. That number seems astronomical. 814 days without her voice greeting me over the phone, telling me about her day and how she beat my dad at cards…again. 814 days without an “I love you, Sis” or a hug around the neck or a summary of the latest book she just read.
Day 814 is different from day 14. The darkness comes less often. The memories seem sweeter. Less painful than before. I can smile when I remember her and share her story of cancer without crying…most of the time.
But for some reason, day 814 has been difficult. In a surprising way. Perhaps the overcast sky that made the house dark and shadowy like it was on day 1 has brought the tears back again. Maybe it’s the Saturday cleaning like we did nearly every Saturday of my growing up years that makes me miss her so much I can hardly think of anything else. Or the dreams I had during the night of seeing her signature and bursting into tears. Of going on vacation as a family and feeling worried because she says she’s fine but I know she’s sick and being brave for us.
In my dreams, she’s just as she was before. I can almost hear her voice, but not quite. It’s more like I feel it echo inside. I know what she’s said and how she’s said it, but the decibels escape me. I feel the dissonance between what my unconscious is imagining and what I know to be true. I’m watching her but I know she isn’t really there. It’s a dream. The churning in my gut waking me. The heartache coming back in waves.
There was a time when every day felt like day 814, And in some unexplainable way, it feels good to hurt again. It proves to my heart that current peace and happiness don’t negate my love or my loss. She would be happy to see me happy…and yet it feels like a betrayal of sorts. I suppose that’s why they say love is complicated. Conflicting emotions existing simultaneously. Each giving space for the other.
They say life is never the same after loss. You only come to know a new normal. At first, I couldn’t believe this emptiness in my heart could ever equal normal—yet it has. The wound is still there. The grief just as potent on days when it demands attention. But I have changed. I have grown in my capacity to experience more than just missing her.
Now the missing weaves itself into daily life, the black of the thread creating a contrast that somehow makes the picture more beautiful than before. There is a depth and breadth to every experience that could not be grasped without first going through the narrow, suffocating, blindness of losing her. There is a sadness that is softly present—a wishing that she could see what is. A wanting to tell her about my day, knowing she would be so glad to hear it. To show her pictures that would make her smile.
In these moments she lives on. Ever a part of my life as she is ever a part of me.
by Donya Dunlap | Jan 26, 2018 | Bible Study, The Spiritual Life
During a recent church service, the pastor read Romans 12:1-2. It’s a common passage. I’ve likely read it hundreds if not thousands of times in my lifetime. I’ve heard it discussed in dozens of sermons. But never before have I seen the secret to being my authentic, true self in these verses as I did this week.
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service*. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. – Romans 12:1-2 KVJ
*ESV reads “spiritual worship”
If you’re like me and you read this with your “good girl” lenses on, you see this as something to be done. It’s a natural conclusion given the action words used. Present. Service. Conformed. Transformed. Renewing.
It’s likely this is how it was taught to you too. You need to do right and be right so God will find you acceptable. It wasn’t until this week I realized this interpretation is all wrong!
A Living Sacrifice
Before you send me a nasty email, let me explain. As with all things, the best way to interpret Scripture is through Scripture. So let’s consider what it means to be a living sacrifice.
Many believe the first sacrifice for sin ever performed was done by God in the Garden of Eden in order to clothe Adam and Eve after they had eaten the forbidden fruit and discovered they were naked. It is a picture of the sacrifice of Christ to come.
And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them. – Genesis 3:21 ESV
In the following chapter, Adam and Eve have raised two sons, Cain and Abel. They each bring to the Lord an offering, the best of their work.
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is contrary to you, but you must rule over it.” – Genesis 4:3-7 ESV
Again, this passage can be confusing, because it says if you “do well” you will be accepted. Again with the doing! But if it is really about the doing, wouldn’t Cain’s sacrifice have been acceptable? After all, farming is hard work. Cain was giving the best of his labors. But what God was trying to show Cain is that our labor, our good works, is not enough to be acceptable in God’s eyes.
This is the point of the 10 Commandments as well. We can never do enough. Never. What makes us acceptable is not our work, but God’s work—the living sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.
Holy, Acceptable unto God
Going back to Romans 12:1, we don’t have to work hard at making our bodies holy and acceptable to God. Paul is describing our living sacrifices AS THEY ALREADY ARE. A few chapters before, in Romans 6, Paul explains the symbolism. When Jesus died on the cross it as if we died with Him. Because of His sacrifice, all who accept Jesus as Savior have been freed from the power of sin and death.
Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. – Romans 6:8-11 ESV
The blood of Jesus has washed us clean. My true self, your true self, is already holy, spotless, blameless, without shame. The condemnation we were born into, the shame we inherited in our DNA imprinted in that first moment of sin in the garden, that shame is no longer ours to carry. It is broken. We are free to walk in grace as honorable sons and daughters of the living God.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. – Ephesians 1:3-6 ESV
The Transformation
So if this is all true, if our true self is holy and blameless, why does God tell us to present our bodies to Him in this way? The key is in the second verse—we will change when we renew our minds.
There are people everywhere trying to be the best versions of themselves. Especially right now at the beginning of the year. Diet books are flying off the shelves, gyms are full of people trying to figure out what the pictures on all the weird machines are telling them to do. But as with every new endeavor, the resolution to do better will only take you so far. By February 15 the diet books are collecting dust and the half-off Valentines candy is all the rage.
I am currently one of many attempting to make life changes in the area of diet and exercise. (Read more about that here) I picked up a copy of The Daniel Plan and smiled to learn the key to success in losing weight is not what you eat or how you work out, but what you think. Of course, it is! Scripture tells us this.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7 KJV
If we are to change what we do, we must change how we think. This is why Paul says we must transform our minds. If we don’t, we are going to be just like everyone else in the world who is trying to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. The key to holy living is holy thinking.
Yes, actions are important. Paul says it is by our actions that we will prove to others “what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” But trying to do this through willpower or a focus on obedience isn’t going to work. We must instead focus on who Jesus says we are in Him. We are holy. Blameless. Righteous. Our old man has died and our new man is alive through Him. Our chains are gone. We are free!
Present your True Self to the World
We are free to walk in newness of life. Released from the bondage of sin and death. But the only way we are going to experience the joy of this truth is if we BELIEVE it is true in our minds. First, we take God at His word, and then our actions follow.
Do you see the difference? Trying to present our bodies holy and blameless in our own efforts is a great burden. A weight God never intended for us to bear. Jesus says,
“My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:30 ESV
We will naturally and joyfully do the right things if we first swim around in and absorb the truth of God’s Word. We must fully grasp all He has given us in the inheritance of Jesus’ sacrifice. Your identity—your true self is a child of God.
So lift your head. You’re not a “weary sinner” anymore. You are holy and blameless. Don’t live like the world. Live like the royalty you are.
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