by Donya Dunlap | Dec 22, 2017 | Bible Study, Forgetting the Fairy Tale
In celebration of Christmas and the soon-to-be-released Forgetting the Fairy Tale Companion Guide, I thought I would offer a sample. I hope the reminder sets a peaceful tone for your upcoming celebrations. Merry Christmas!
Session 7: To Have and To Hold & Love Has Come
Advent.
So much truth packed into six little letters. Waiting. Expectation. Season. Hope. Arrival. Imagination.
Elizabeth understood the waiting and waning of hope. The tears every month when her bleeding began. The stabbing pain of judgment from the women around her. It had been drilled into them—the good are blessed and the bad have God’s blessing removed from them. No baby, no blessing.
The Israelites understood Advent. For 400 years they waited on a word from God. For centuries a Messiah had been prophesied. Yet still, they waited. During this time the Medes, Persians, and Babylonians made way for the Greek Empire and then the Roman Empire. The Hebrew Scriptures were translated into the Greek Septuagint and easily accessible to everyone. The stage was set—and still, they waited.
Joseph understood Advent. Before he could take Mary as his wife, he had to prepare for her coming. A room had to be built for their sleeping quarters. A home had to be prepared. His finances must be in order and a wedding planned. Joseph was quite familiar with expectant hope for the future.
Mary had spent her life in Advent. Jewish women were trained early for marriage and motherhood. Learning how to care for a household. Managing time and resources when there never seemed to be enough of either. The end of Mary’s Advent season did not culminate in a wedding as she expected, but a birth announcement. A change of direction so abrupt and all-encompassing nothing on earth would ever be the same again—for anyone.
Advent finds its origin in Latin meaning, “arrival” from the combination of two words meaning “to” plus “come.”1 So much more was coming in this season than a pair of baby boy cousins. The end of 400 years of silence. A new covenant. A new dispensation. A new understanding of the law. An introduction to grace. A new prophet carrying the message of a new kingdom—and a new King. The Messiah.
We like to think of Elizabeth, Zachariah, Mary, and Joseph like characters in a play. They each have their parts to say, dressed in their bathrobes and stage makeup. When the baby is born and the shepherds go home, we do too. Packing up the gifts and decorations for another year. But the real focus of the story isn’t the angels, a straw-filled manger, and a newborn. It’s God.
God who existed before time and space. God who created the heavenly host and the heavens themselves. God who designed every petal on every flower and every spinning galaxy. He is the story. He is the author and the main character. And when He determined the time was right, He set aside His glory and became a growing mass of cells within a woman’s body.
Advent. I Am. The beginning and the end colliding into the now.
“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior.” (Isaiah 43:10-11, ESV)
Mary and Elizabeth had important roles to play, just as you and I do today. But our lives pale in comparison to the One who has always lived. While modern philosophies encourage “I Am” as a motto for improved self-image, losing ourselves in the endless depths of the true I AM is the only way to unfiltered, unshakeable identity. Mary and Elizabeth both understood this as they submitted to the life-altering tasks of preparing for and protection of the Messiah.
It is easy for us to forget the I Am in the midst of our To Do. He whispers while our circumstances shout. But taking time to be present with Him is vital. His coming should impact every moment of our lives, not just the month before Christmas.
For every cry, there is one answer: I need help. I AM. I need hope. I AM. Who could possibly be smart enough to figure this out? I AM. What works? I AM. What lasts? I AM. What’s the latest thing? I AM. What’s the hippest thing? I AM. I need a fresh start. I AM. I need a bigger story. I AM. My vision is bigger than my resources. I AM. Nothing’s real anymore. I AM. Who can I trust? I AM. I’m not sure who’s on my team. I AM. Nobody’s listening to me. I AM. I don’t have a prayer. I AM. My marriage is sinking and I don’t know where to turn. I AM. I can’t hold on. I AM. My kids deserve more. I AM. I’m pouring into others, who’s pouring into me? I AM. If we fail, who will get the job done? I AM. I’m not sure why I’m here. I AM. I’ve given all I can give and it’s not enough. I AM. I’m tired. I AM. I quit! I AM. I need a drink. I AM. I need a fix. I AM. I need a lover.
I AM. Somebody just hold me. I AM.2 – Louie Giglio
Just as Love came into the lives of poor teenagers in Nazareth, He is coming again. In a blaze of glory, He is coming to rid the world of sin and set creation right again.
Until then, we must wait in the same hopeful anticipation of Elizabeth and Mary. We must take every fear, every doubt and lay them in the hands of the great I Am. He was and He will be…but He also is…right now, holding you in the midst of your homework, heartbreak, and dinner dishes. He is asking you to believe in His plan for you. Inviting you to walk with Him as you wait—from this day forward.
by Donya Dunlap | Mar 3, 2015 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
When you write a book on singleness, you become an accidental expert on all things relating to love and dating. This is partially terrifying and mostly heartbreaking. I say terrifying because I am absolutely NOT an expert…on anything. It’s heartbreaking because of the kinds of questions people come to me with at times.
In today’s culture, intimacy in relationship is assumed, the why’s and how’s discussed in every medium. Virginity is considered a myth or mocked as a useless bauble. Those that choose to hold tightly to it are ridiculed as childish, foolish, or undesirable. Why treasure a plastic trinket when you can have a different glittering jewel every night of the week?
Even many Christians believe celibacy outside of marriage is an old-fashioned, Old Testament rule that does not apply to today. Some trying to follow God’s plan wonder if doing so will sabotage them out of the happy ending that everyone else appears to be getting. They wonder, if a person withholds their bodies for their mate, what chance do they have in ever getting one? In essence, they are asking…can I trust God with my sexuality?
Oh it doesn’t seem like that on the surface, but all of the what/if’s and if/then’s all boil down to one thing…this God that invented love, and sex, and marriage…this Creator that made my body and my hormones…this Savior that has given guidelines for living that run in complete contrast to the culture…does He really know what is best for me? Does He truly have my happiness in mind? Is my virginity, my sexuality, this mysterious thing that feels at times like such a heavy burden–is it really as precious as He says it is?
The struggle is intricately tied to our innermost desires for intimacy and acceptance. But, despite what all the magazines, books, and movies tell us, great sex is not the answer to the storm that rages in our hearts. To God, it isn’t even the main point of marriage.
Sex is a gift. A precious gift intended to melt two hearts, two bodies, and two souls together in a way that no other thing can. God designed it that way. He created the pheromones and synapses that send us unending messages of promise and desire. God imagined the nerve endings and chemical reactions that make the physical experience so satisfying and enjoyable. And to the woman who struggles with the physical ache of an empty bed and the emotional pain of rejection, the One who keeps this gift from her may seem cruel and careless, as if her happiness and fulfillment are nothing more than a carrot on a string.
But the bottom line is simply that God’s ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our fallen reasonings. He can see the big picture. We can’t. It comes down to a matter of trust. Regardless of what we think is best, or even fair, God asks us to trust Him with our bodies and our sexuality.
There are many reasons to argue for the benefits of virginity from scientific, medical, and psychological perspectives…each capable of filling many empty pages of many books. But all the arguments pale in comparison to the purity of Christ, His sacrifice for us, and His simple question…Do you trust me?
Embracing virginity is simply embracing Christ.
It is a surrender of your will to His. The benefits are many and perhaps a more detailed discussion is appropriate for another time. For today, I encourage you to search your heart. Do you believe that God has your best in mind? Are you willing to bow your knee to His wisdom despite your inner yearnings? Do you trust Him?
Photo credit: Glenn Franco Simmons / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA
by Donya Dunlap | Jun 6, 2013 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
In listening recently to a series of podcasts by Andy Stanley to singles, I heard the best question I have ever heard with regards to finding a mate. With this simple question, Pastor Stanley encouraged his listeners to shift their focus from finding the One to becoming the One.
“Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?”
In other words, if you met the perfect person for you today, would that person be attracted to you? Or would your actions and reputation keep them at arms length?
This is a tough, but desperately needed question for any single person desiring a godly, happy, marriage someday. I know of many singles who think that if they can just get married, their financial problems will cease to exist, they will be motivated to exercise and stay fit, they will magically be more concerned with the other person than themselves, their lustful desires will go away, and everything will be perfect.
This is SO not true.
And yet, many of us, myself included, have had thoughts like this. The truth is, when two people get married, they bring themselves into the marriage. They don’t become different people, they just become married people. If you have a hard time saving money now, you will have a harder time saving money later because now two people are involved. If you don’t take care of yourself now, you probably won’t find time to do it after you are married either.
Pastor Stanley’s advice continues throughout his four part series, “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating” (follow the link to listen to the podcasts) Here are a few thoughts that I found to be powerful:
Determine that, “I will not be someone’s regret.”
“The present will be your past which will be present in your future.”
“A lack of preparation cannot be trumped by a promise.”
“Commit now to becoming someone who can keep their promises later.”
These are such crucial things to remember when contemplating marriage. Before you ever go down that road, or if you have already begun a relationship, take steps now towards becoming the person that God says you are to be, specifically regarding relationships. Honor all men as being in the image of God. Don’t man bash them when they aren’t around. Set up guardrails around your purity. A lack of preparation will guarantee regret later. Deal with emotional trauma from your childhood. Get rid of bad habits that you wouldn’t want your future spouse to bring into a marriage.
If you know you are solidly entrenched in the world’s philosophy of dating and you aren’t sure how to change that, Pastor Stanley suggests making an appointment with yourself for a year from now to resume dating. Within that year, refuse to do anything that could lead to a relationship. Instead, focus on changing yourself. Entrench yourself in Scripture, pray for the Holy Spirit to change your thoughts, practice becoming a person that honors the opposite sex. I would also like to add that when that year is over, determine that you will keep your standards for yourself and any future mates high. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now when with a dose of godly patience, you can have God’s best.
Another side note from me…Men are not a means to an end. They are souls made in the image of God and should be treated as such. They aren’t sugar daddies or baby daddies or a better option than being alone. Single Christian women, we have an obligation to model biblical thinking about relationships to the world. So…
What path are you on?
The common path of culture leads to loose dating and difficult marriages ending in divorce. Choose God’s path of purity and wholeness and you will enjoy a marriage full of love, trust and intimacy as God intended it to be.
Photo credit: Flооd / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
by Donya Dunlap | Feb 14, 2013 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
For a brief time I loved Valentine’s Day. I thrilled to be part of the romance and clung to the hope that it offered for wedded bliss. And then, for a much longer span of time, I abhored Valentine’s Day. Just one glimpse of that little demon Cupid flying off to bestow love and happiness on some other fortunate soul would stir up feelings of anger in the pit of my stomach. My mouth would fill with sarcastic darts of poison aimed at anyone close enough to hit with them. To get the best aim, I built my walls of insecurity higher and higher. I had been hurt and my response to that was taking the offensive against even the idea of true love.
Today I find myself in the middle of the two extremes.
I neither love nor hate the holiday itself, but there are things about it that still evoke a strong emotional response. I love to see expressions of love between married couples on social media, especially when it is initiated by a man. I love a man that is secure enough to show the world that he loves his girl in a Christ-honoring way. But I also hate that for so many the day is a painful reminder of loss and unfulfilled hope. It breaks my heart to see young women stomp their way into the trap of bitterness that I know all too well.
One of my goals in writing Forgetting the Fairy Tale was to be a help to both the happily married and the hopelessly single. There is a huge temptation for both individuals to seek to find fulfillment in a person outside of Jesus Christ. Both are wrong to do so. Towards the end of the chapter, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, I wrote this reminder:
The perfect Valentine’s Day Gift!
The only way to find true peace and contentment is to be at war with the idols of our hearts. You must constantly evaluate your thoughts and motives and determine who you are serving. Are you walking in the image of Christ or of Satan? Are your desires godly or have they become an idol—displacing God from the throne of your heart? A boyfriend, husband, therapy, alcohol, food, drugs—none of these things satisfy a longing soul. Only the peace of God’s presence in your life can provide the sense of undying love and contentment you crave.
I still find I have moments when I want to hide behind aloofness or whine over a sense of loneliness. But if I choose to turn to Him, I find that Jesus really is the best listener, best friend, best encourager and best companion with which to walk through life that I could ever have. Should He see fit to provide for me a spouse, I will thank Him for it. But if He doesn’t, that’s okay too. I have found that even on Valentine’s Day it is possible to say:
This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:23-24
Interested in reading more of Forgetting the Fairy Tale? Purchase your own copy at Amazon today!
Photo Credit: bored-now / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
by Donya Dunlap | Feb 12, 2013 | Bible Study, Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
From the earliest moments of our journey through life we are bombarded by the concept of the fairy tale. We are dressed in tiny little shirts proclaiming us to be “Daddy’s little princess” and read nighttime stories of bravery, heroism, and love from little hard-bound, picture books. As soon as we can toddle we are given tulle-enhanced dress-up gowns and jewel-encrusted play shoes, a sparkling tiara to hold back our hair and a fairy wand with which to command the bidding of our loyal subjects.
As we grow we read books and watch movies convincing us of the fairy tale romance we all must strive for to be happy. Commercials tell us that we need X product so we can be more beautiful, more successful, more desirable. Magazines hold up airbrushed beauties in the highest esteem. Tabloids tear down anyone with a hint of imperfection, real or perceived.
At every turn, we are receiving messages that are trying to convince us that we can never be happy, satisfied, successful or fulfilled unless we chase the fairy tale life. The problem, however, lies in the very definition of “fairy tale.”
Defining a fairy tale
According to Merriam-Webster.com, a fairy tale’s definition is:
1a: a story (as for children) involving fantastic forces and beings (as fairies, wizards, and goblins) —called also fairy story
1b: a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending
2: a made-up story usually designed to mislead
The synonyms also share some enlightening information with us.
Synonyms: fable, fabrication, lie, falsehood, falsity, fib, mendacity, prevarication, story, tale, taradiddle, untruth, whopper
By its definition, a fairy tale is a lie. In the context of spiritual things, any belief opposite of truth comes directly from the Father of Lies. Watching or reading a fairy tale is a fine choice of entertainment, but living a fairy tale is a dangerous road leading to destruction.
Music, movies, magazines—media feeds us the myth that happiness is just out of our reach. But the truth is, we can find our “happily ever after” if we center our lives on our one true love, Jesus Christ.
Why Forgetting the Fairy Tale?
People have asked me why I decided to write Forgetting the Fairy Tale. My answer is simple. I couldn’t NOT write it. God wouldn’t let me get away from this message.
I had to do what I could to stop the flood of fairy tale casualties.
Everywhere I turned I saw people believing the lies of Satan. Every time I witnessed a young girl choose Satan’s lies over Jesus’ love, my heart would break. Every time I witnessed a marriage fall apart I mourned.
Have you found yourself believing true happiness can be found outside of an intimate relationship with Jesus? If so, I encourage you to read Forgetting the Fairy Tale and its Companion Guide. The truths of Scripture contained in these books are sure to speak to your heart and open your mind to what it means to have Jesus be your everything.
Forgetting the Fairy Tale and the Forgetting the Fairy Tale Companion Guide are both available on Amazon. To read reviews and endorsements of the book, click here.
by donyadunlap | Feb 13, 2012 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
Forgetting the Fairy Tale
Chapter 1
“Once upon a time.” Isn’t that how all of the great stories begin? “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess.” Now let’s be honest. Who hasn’t dreamed of becoming royalty? The magnificent castle, the devoted servants, the fabulous, designer-made dresses, the glimmering jewels and, of course, the shoes! You and I have been raised on such stories. The princess may be trapped in a gilded cage of luxury and loneliness, or perhaps she is wandering the streets, penniless and unaware of the drama that is about to unfold in her life. Regardless of how the story begins, we all know the end. Somehow, someway, our princess is rescued by her knight in shining armor, and they live happily ever after. [sigh]
It’s a dream come true—or so we hope—for at some point in the story, the beautiful princess has taken on our features. Suddenly, it is our slippered feet that are gliding across the ballroom floor, and it is our gloved hand resting in the grasp of the prince. We spin underneath a canopy of stars, breathe in the sweet-smelling fragrance of roses and jasmine, and believe that all our worries are behind us. The story eventually ends, but it continues to live on in our hearts. We grow up dreaming of that magical day when we will meet “the one”—the man of our dreams. We picture the days to follow being filled with flowers, moonlight kisses, and perfect happiness. We imagine walking down a candlelit aisle, strewn with rose petals and flanked on either side with our friends and family. The rings are exchanged, I do’s are said, and the cake is cut, and we ride off into the sunset to begin our own happily ever after.
But then, one day, we’re finishing high school, or we’re struggling to get through college, or maybe we are establishing a career, and harsh reality jolts us out of our reverie. No rose petals, no wedding bells, and not the first sign of a knight on the horizon. We begin to wonder, is there something wrong with us? Do we need to try harder? Has God failed us? Our hope fades, our dreams die, and disillusionment and bitterness, cynicism, desperation, depression, and discontent take up residence in the halls of our hearts.
Untold numbers of little girls wake up as grown women with their dreams in shattered pieces at their feet. I could introduce you to woman after woman whose lives are in ruins today because of a fairy tale. Some women hold tightly to their dreams and do what they feel necessary to make the fairy tale come true. They set aside their values and convictions, their personal preferences, and sometimes even their identities to become that perfect catch. They lie to themselves, their families, friends, and boyfriends to get their special day—and unfortunately, it works. They get the white dress, stringed quartet, and perfectly cut diamond, but at what cost? They find themselves married to men that don’t really know them at all, and often, men that did their share of lying too. At best, these relationships are filled with disappointment and heartache. Worst case scenarios include abuse, neglect, fornication, divorce, and suicide.
Other women choose the single life out of fear and self-defense. They build walls around their heart to avoid that familiar sting of pain, perhaps caused earlier in their lives by abuse, ridicule, or rejection. Holiday after holiday goes by, and there are no special deliveries for them. No romantic dinners, no promises of undying love, and no little black boxes. They didn’t want this life. It was thrust upon them—or so they choose to believe. They are victims in a cruel and lonely world. They blame everyone around them for their life choices and radiate insecurity, jealousy, and bitterness. The once tender heart of the dreamer has become hardened and wrapped in the protective coverings of feminist mantras and an ever-looping track of “I Will Survive” on their MP3 players.
Some women get caught up in their fairy tale romance, only to lose their childish fantasies in one reckless moment. Their innocence and sweet spirit is seemingly stolen from them overnight. Soon they discover that they no longer have the luxury of living like a child, for in a few short months, they are going to be responsible for a child themselves. For a time it seems storybook perfect. He is charming and handsome and such a gentleman! He whispers that he will be there forever. He vows his love—until the day the drug store test comes back positive.
There are still other women who seem to have it all together. They are sweet and submissive to their authorities. They are involved in church; they have their Sunday school awards and their Bible club trophies scattered about their bedrooms; and they wouldn’t think of doing anything to shame themselves or their families. They may even elevate themselves above those around them who seem to flounder in the midst of their life choices. They are so stable, in fact, that while they live in complete mental acknowledgement of God, their daily decisions are made within the realm of their own experience and self-assurance. They meet a man that will provide them with the companionship they desire and the security they need, and without thought to what God might have in mind for their future, they plunge ahead. Along the way, they might nod to those who raise red flags of warning, but out of personal pride and fear of what others may think of them should they choose a different way, they continue on their path to destruction.
And then there are women who rush, rush, rush from morning to night, filling their lives with every possible relationship and amusement. They are terrified of being alone, and so they mingle. They have their boy next door, the workplace flirtation, and a list of backup prospects. They feed off the attention of those around them and even imagine admirers in the crowd when there aren’t any to be found—exaggerating the motive behind glances in their direction to boost their own egos. They are the life of the party and are far too busy to listen to the warnings of their soul. They can’t pause to heed the gentle stirrings, for they have that next thing to get to, and who knows? Prince Charming might be right around the corner! They are always running, always searching, and never finding peace.
These women and countless others each have different personalities, insecurities, and motives, but they all share the same heartache when they lie awake at night; the joy, peace, security, and contentment that they imagined for themselves which died with their childhood. Their horizons are no longer shimmering with the sunshine of love. They have no hope of better things to come. Their thoughts are filled with two main questions: How did I get into this mess, and how do I get out?
It is for these woman and many more that I sit at my computer to write. My heart breaks at the sight of other hearts breaking around me, and I can’t keep silent anymore. I have spoken to women in the pit of despair and read blog entries of dear sisters in Christ who are being crushed in the vise of depression. They can barely go on, because they don’t have a man to help them. Their thoughts and lives are consumed with what God has not seen fit to give them. They are desperate for attention, acceptance, and love, and my heart aches for them. Do I have it altogether? No. Absolutely not. I struggle too. I hate dealing with car mechanics that want to steal my money because I can’t tell the difference between a carburetor and an oil pump. I have days of self-pity and doubt over whether or not I’m “good enough” to get married. I’ve caught myself acting foolishly to catch the attention of a man. I’ve thought that my life was as good as over when a relationship fell apart.
Ladies, I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that I have found true love in the One that does. Every day I fall more in love with my Savior, and with that love comes peace and security that women around me only dream about. Do I wish that I could fall asleep with my husband’s strong arms around me, protecting me from the scary sounds of the night? Sure I do. Is my life a disaster because I don’t have that husband? No, it is not. Would I love to be picking out flowers and music for my wedding day? Absolutely—but not at the expense of my relationship with Christ and my future with Him.
Society tells me that my body needs to look a certain way, and I need to act a certain way and dress a certain way to gain and keep a man’s attention. Love isn’t portrayed as a gift from God and a self-sacrificing relationship between two individuals who hold the other in higher esteem than they hold themselves. To the world, love is a game of wit and wiles. Movies are full of lust and longing. Magazines entice readers with articles on “how to catch him and keep him” and “what drives men wild.” Even music will tell you that “you’re nobody until somebody loves you.” Friend, I am writing to tell you that Someone does love you. In fact, He loves you so deeply that He died a cruel and shameful death in order to have a relationship with you. There is One that longs to talk to you and ease your fears. There is One that deeply desires to bless you with peace of mind and security in who He created you to be. It is my hope that by the time we finish this journey together, you will look at Christ in a whole new way. He is not only the Savior of all mankind, but He is the lover of your soul. He understands you more than you understand yourself and accepts you as you are.
The Great Deceiver would like you to believe that God wants you to be lonely and miserable and that you will never be happy if you surrender your future to Him, but we don’t have to listen to his lies! God’s desire is to set us free. Free from our misplaced affections. Free from our fears. Free from the captivity of our minds and protection from the daily onslaught of the worldview. As the Prophet Jeremiah said so many, many years ago:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity.
Look around you. Spend a few minutes at a food court or in an airport, and you will quickly realize that heartache is an epidemic. Of course, you have to look beyond the perfectly made-up faces and the fabulous costumes that everyone puts on before facing the world each morning. People pretend so much that the line between reality and make-believe is often indistinguishable, even to the one playing the part. At the ball game, at the grocery store, at the restaurant, look around you. Look into the eyes of the waitresses, the cashiers, the shoppers, the couple at the table beside you. What do you see? Worry. Loneliness. Bitterness. Desperation. Frustration. Emptiness. Disappointment. Despair. Hopelessness. Fear. Pain. Now look in the mirror. What do you see? How did it happen? It all began with a fairy tale.
Order your copy of Forgetting the Fairy Tale today!
Available in paperback and ebook formats at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Tate Publishing.
So much truth packed into six little letters. Waiting. Expectation. Season. Hope. Arrival. Imagination.
