From the time we first take breath on this planet we have a desire to be seen, loved, and wanted. As we grow, we manage this desire somewhat but it never fully goes away. We may transfer this desire from parents to a cute boy on campus, a significant role at a company, or an award or accolade, but we never lose the longing to be accepted, chosen, to matter.
On this day that magnifies human connection, those without a significant other to validate our feelings can sting. Having emotions that run deep into our core can make us feel exposed and vulnerable. We want to shrink back. We wrap our hearts in protective sheets of independence and sarcasm, perfectionism and determination.
But what if we looked at vulnerability as courage? What if allowing ourselves to rest in the tension of both desire and lack—having sincerity about our feelings, opening the truth of ourselves up to the world—what if this was an act of bravery? Instead of shrinking into the shadows of your singleness, what if you stepped into the light of God’s love and extended that love to those around you? Could you be so bold?
The beautiful and wise Brene Brown shares this in her book Daring Greatly:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
Encasing our hearts in the bubble wrap of self-protection feels like safety, but it blocks us from the love we seek. It hampers our ability to connect with others and to minister effectively to them.
To be vulnerable is to be like Jesus. And it helps to know that Jesus gives us the security out of which we can be real with others, for He has already chosen us. He sees all the dark secrets of our hearts and He loves us. He desires to be with us.
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
– 1 Peter 2:9-10
Deposit that truth deep in your soul and from that place of belonging will grow the fruit of love, empathy, and honesty needed to live a life of significance and service. God never meant for us to hide. He created us to be warriors, not wallflowers. You have everything you need within you, for you have Him!
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
– Colossians 3:12-13
On this day of pink and red and candy and flowers, lift your head and look for the outliers. Embrace the love God has for you and share it with someone who might not have the same security in Christ you have. Rest in the security of Jesus’ love for you—a love so strong He died for you! Be the brave, vulnerable, beautiful soul God created you to be, on Valentine’s Day and every day.
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Today marks three years since the worst day of my life. The day my mother died.
Losing my mom felt like an unraveling of my world and all I knew to be true. I lost my center, my best friend, my counselor, my identity. I lost history and holidays and comfort on a hard day. I lost my home, my ministry, my independence, and the ability to sing. I lost peace, happiness, and long chats about books we were reading.
That cloudy April day sent irreparable cracks throughout my being and the days to follow completed the shattering. I wished with all of my broken heart that Jesus would take me too. The fact that I kept breathing after she had stopped seemed the height of cruelty. I felt God had ripped her out of a life she loved and wanted and jammed me into the ragged hole she had left behind. Her home, her car, her husband…now all my responsibility. A life I didn’t want in a location I hated with constant reminders of her all around me…symbols of all her patience, wisdom, kindness, and love that I did not possess.
I felt undone, angry, lost, and alone. I felt as if I was suffocating and trapped—my life and dreams buried with the one person I loved more than anyone on earth.
Three years have gone by now. 1,095 days of inhaling and exhaling and relearning how to live. Through it all God has been so kind. He has sent friends to encourage and has provided opportunities for healing and growth. He has given me a new ministry—the very one I had been dreaming of for years. I still terribly miss singing with a community choir, but He has allowed me enough voice to sing along with the congregation on Sunday mornings again…most of the time. I still have days where the tears drown out the notes, but not every week like it was. I’m not the same person, but “shattered” no longer applies.
I think of the art of Kintsugi—an ancient Japanese form of repairing broken pottery with gold, making it stronger and more beautiful than the original. Jeremiah 18 talks of God as the Potter and His people as the clay. Instead of throwing away the broken bits ruined by death, he gently places each shard back into the whole, creating new life, new usefulness, and new beauty.
I still struggle as I sit at Mom’s table and eat dinner in the very spot where she left us all behind to live with Jesus. I still long for my home to reflect my taste and my memories, to establish new holiday traditions and winters without snow. In so many ways, I feel like my life is not my own, but then, has it ever been? In a way, this disjointed existence is a gift—a daily reminder that this world is not my home, I’m just passing through. And on my way, I have the privilege of serving people like my dad, my coworkers, and our clients. I have an opportunity to point them to Jesus, our Potter, our Healer, our Savior, and my dear Friend.
It’s not the life I would have chosen for myself, but now, after 36 months of living it, I can attest that God truly does bring beauty out of ashes and He is making all things new. Nothing will ever fully be right in this life. Our Enemy has seen to that. There will always be pain this side of Heaven, but pain is not the enemy. We avoid it like it is, but pain is just an indicator—a throbbing signal that something good, someone good has been taken from our lives.
But the pain also means that they aren’t really gone. They are with us in our tears and our wishing we could share this or that happy moment with them. They are in our dreams and memories and sometimes even looking back at us in the mirror. And they are part of that Heavenly cloud of witnesses cheering us on from the pearly gates, anxious to hug our necks and welcome us when we finally do make it Home.
So while it’s been three years since the worst day of my life, I have a feeling that some of the best days of my life are yet to come. I can’t wait to get to Heaven and tell Mom all about them.
When I wrote Forgetting the Fairy Tale, I talked about finding our true love in Christ. I wrote how no human can ever fully satisfy us, and frankly, neither will Jesus while we still live on this earth. We were built with a longing that can only be met in Christ upon complete union with Him in the next life. Until then, we strive to glorify Him in every area of our lives. We embrace the struggle, not numbing the longing or filling it with people or things.
Many have told me they were surprised the book is not anti-men or anti-marriage. It seems a dichotomy to be both pro-marriage and pro-singleness. But that is where I stand because that is where the Bible stands.
God’s purpose for marriage
I believe God created marriage as a beautiful picture of His relationship with His bride, the church. He wanted us to understand the depths of His love for us, so He created marriage and sex and He called it good. Sadly, as with all things, sin has distorted this sacred bond. Sin has caused women to distrust men, men to objectify women, and families to be destroyed by the mutual brokenness.
The easy road against marriage
The easy road is to be cynical about love and marriage. To protect our wounded hearts from further damage. Culture says, “It’s just sex. It doesn’t mean anything.” Hurting women find it easier to believe “all men are pigs” rather than face both bad behavior and good men.
But in protecting ourselves, we keep God from doing a miraculous work in our lives. We build walls around our hearts, hindering the Holy Spirit from administering healing. True intimacy is a risk. We are afraid of being fully known so we cover ourselves with our fig leaves and pretend everything is okay. Friends, I am here to tell you everything is not okay.
Why marriage terrifies me
I confess to you…marriage terrifies me. Approximately 50% of all marriages fail. Of the pastors, leaders, and friends I know, I can count on one hand the marriages I would want to model my own after. These are good people mostly. Many couples I love and respect. But I would never want their relationship. This grieves me. And yet, I have hope. And not in a jingle bell, fairy tale, romantic sort of way.
When the Godhead conspired to create the world and human relationships it was good. Until it wasn’t.
When Satan planted those first seeds of distrust in Eve’s heart, he was using her as a pawn to inflict pain on his Creator. He’s been doing it ever since.
But God initiated a plan to redeem what was broken. This is the beauty of marriage.
Every time a couple says “I do” a union is created. A holy trinity. Husband, wife, and Spirit. And every time disunity is planted and this same couple says “I still do” they are exemplifying God’s love for us.
Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is imperfect. There are tears, harsh words, and broken promises. But there is also magic, miracles, love, hope, restoration—all of this throws up a big, bright rainbow to the world that says, See! God is here! In this marriage flooded with the sin of two imperfect people there is redemption. Redemption and love you too can have in Jesus’ name.
Marriage is still a maybe
So even though the thought of marriage terrifies me for all the potential brokenness, it also calls to me for all the beauty that is two people living out God’s covenant amidst all the destruction Satan can muster.
Opening my heart to marriage doesn’t eliminate the fear. It’s risky. It’s messy. But it is also right, and good, and Christ honoring to take down those walls and let Jesus do what He feels is best for me.
Does that mean I’m getting married? Maybe. Maybe not. The end result isn’t as important as the honesty and freedom I am receiving from the Lord in this place.
Nothing has changed in my circumstances. I am still a champion for singleness and single women everywhere. I’m just choosing to not allow fear to determine my destiny. I encourage you to do the same.
This is a guest post by Whitney Pendell. Whitney blogs at Come Home For Comfort where she shares about her faith, marriage, organization and frugal living – all the things that bring comfort to her home. She shares her home with her husband of almost six years and their two very spoiled cats.
When I was in college, there were certain girls who people joked were only in school to obtain an “MRS” degree. It was usually girls who chose a major like Family and Consumer Science or something in the school of Religion. I am not sure how successful their supposed strategy turned out to be, but I think we can all agree that most girls have marriage at the top of their life goals!
Marriage is an honorable goal – God created it! There are those who, in God’s perfect plan, are called to a life of singleness – but most of us will find that MRS degree somewhere along the path of God’s will for our lives. What should you do if you desire to be married but haven’t seen an answer to your prayer? I believe you can (and should!) begin preparing yourself to be a godly wife long before you meet the man of your dreams.
#1 Create Good Housekeeping Habits
Whether you live alone or with a roommate, you can establish good housekeeping habits.
Find a weekly cleaning routine that works for your schedule and keep up with the daily chores as well – putting laundry away, washing dishes after a meal and leaving a room neater than you found it.
Learn to cook – and if you already know how to cook, master the art of having all the components of a meal ready at the same time.
Make a weekly menu plan and grocery list – you might only need to fix two meals for yourself during a normal week, but getting in the habit of shopping and menu planning will be so beneficial!
Host people in your home – whether you plan a monthly supper club with your girlfriends or invite a married couple for Sunday dinner, entertaining is an invaluable skill and great for impressing future in-laws! 🙂
The woman of Proverbs 31 is described as someone who looks well to the ways of her household and is not idle. Good housekeeping habits will benefit your personal life no matter how long you remain single, and will certainly make life a lot easier when you are married.
#2 Study Godly Wives
Getting married doesn’t magically make you a good wife. It actually has a funny way of revealing all your annoying habits and idiosyncrasies! In order to be a godly wife, you have to know what that looks like. Study the women around you who model the kind of wife you desire to be. Don’t spend all your time with single people – ask a married lady you admire to mentor you. Read blogs and books on marriage. Study the book of Proverbs and look for each time the word woman or wife is mentioned. There is such great wisdom (and warning) found through the women of Proverbs!
#3 Enjoy Being Single
When I graduated from college, I was as single as the day is long. I had no prospects – not even a crush! So I decided to enjoy the perks of being single, knowing that those years would probably be the ones where I had the most money, energy, and free time. I worked a lot, volunteered at church in everything from choir to missions trips, attended concerts and sporting events, shopped for hours with my girlfriends, visited family, ate out for lunch and supper whenever I wanted, and had so much fun.
If you’ve been single for ten years or more, you might be past the stage of life where all of that is appealing. My advice to you now? Look for things you can enjoy about being single. This exercise is beneficial in every stage of life. Learn how to enjoy your current stage of life and you’ll be better off no matter what!
#4 Be Confident That God Is Enough
I’m not saying, “Be confident that God is enough because you might never get married and you’ll be all alone.” Nope. Not at all. The biggest struggle I’ve faced in married life is learning that my husband is not supposed to meet all of my needs. As a Christian, my hope and expectation is in God. If you can learn that now you will save yourself so much frustration and heartache! It can be easy to default to your husband as the strength, provider, listening ear, compassionate heart and source of all love and security. He might be willing to be those things for you, but he is human and he will fail you! God doesn’t fail. He will be all of those things for you, no matter if you’re a Miss or a Mrs.!
In my last post, I shared several ways couples can bless their single friends. Today I’d like to explore several ways singles can bridge the gaps between other life stage groups as well. Whether deserved or undeserved, singles often have the reputation of being self-focused. However, singles can take steps to live generously with their time, money, and resources. I believe this can be done in four main ways.
1: Service
Singles have the great benefit of setting their own schedules and committing to projects without worrying how it will impact their family schedule. Serving others requires nothing but time and a heart to be a blessing. Several ways that singles can serve other life stage groups include:
Volunteering at church
Housecleaning for senior citizens
Making freezer meals for a new mom
Ministering as a youth leader
Doing yard work for a person with disabilities
The possibilities for service are endless. With prayer and a little open-eyed effort, God will provide singles areas of service that fit them well.
2: Sacrifice
Sacrifice is a scary word, but it doesn’t have to be. Think of it as a challenge. In what way can singles take service to the next level? Remember that living generously includes time, money, and resources. What resources can singles share with someone else?
Visit house bound or nursing home bound individuals
Be a Big Brother or Big Sister mentor
Organize a fundraiser for a cancer patient
Teach senior citizens how to connect with their families through social media
Singles are often alone and lonely, but they don’t have to be. It seems natural for a married couple to be hospitable, but in Scripture, many singles opened their homes as well. Having a home need not be a prerequisite either. All singles need is a public space and a desire to connect.
Start a book club
Lead a Bible study
Host a game or movie night
Organize a picnic at a local park
Take a group of teens bowling
Organize a Mom’s Night Out
The key here is to go beyond a comfortable group of friends. Cross those life stage lines and bridge those generational gaps!
4: Sincerity
I recently discussed this in the post Handwritten Inspiration, but the power of words cannot be overstated. Singles can take initiative to bless those around them with the spoken or written word and change a life for the better. Words of kindness have been known to impact the direction of a child’s future or prevent suicide. Singles can spread seeds of kindness through:
Thank you notes
Written prayers
Letters of appreciation
Celebrating people in thankless jobs
Go beyond the like button and tweet. Grab a stack of notecards and a pen and make a difference in someone’s life today!
If we are to be an active, healthy body of Christ we must find ways to serve each other. We must break down the comfortable walls life stages naturally erect. There are no marital boundaries on generosity and hospitality. Singles can and should take the first step in bridging the social gaps in the church. Helping others is what being the body of Christ is all about.
The above are only a few suggestions out of innumerable ways singles can actively bless those around them. What ways have you been a blessing as a single or have received a blessing from a single? Leave a comment below to join the conversation.
As a single, my life is full of all the joy and blessings God has for me. I don’t consider myself a lesser person because I am not married, despite many of the messages I hear to the contrary. However, I admit that marriage provides certain benefits singles lack. Several benefits are simply inaccessible or inappropriate for singles to experience within the will of God. But there are at least four ways couples can share the love and companionship they experience in marriage with their single friends.
1: Safety
My most favorite home was a little craftsman bungalow in Anderson, South Carolina. It was the cutest, most personable place I have ever enjoyed, and also the least safe. Thankfully, I lived just around the corner from one of the pastors of the church I attended. He and his wife were friends and often encouraged me to call if I ever felt like I was in trouble. This was a wonderful way to provide for me in an area I lacked. You can help the singles in your life in a similar way.
Be present during Craig’s List exchanges
Help them evaluate the safety of a neighborhood before they move
Keep their spare car and house keys
Be an emergency contact
Check their tire treads for wear
Call them for a safety check during first dates
While our ultimate source of security should be Jesus, being a second layer of safety for a single can be a great support.
2: Sounding Board
When a person is contemplating a deep spiritual truth, a modern philosophy, or even a life change, it helps to talk with someone. You can be the sounding board your single friends need.
Car shop with them
Read and discuss books with them over coffee
Help them reason through pros and cons in a time of decision making
You can tell a person to “call anytime” but unless a single truly feels that they won’t be interrupting your kid’s bedtime, they won’t call. Make sure they trust they can count on you, and always be honest if you are unavailable. Knowing that another person has a listening ear for them can give a single great peace of mind.
3: Someone to “Do Life” with
Obviously, couples have a greater advantage here, but it is possible to fill some of this need for singles as well. A few, simple ideas for doing life with a single include:
Shopping
Exercising
Have a crock pot meals prep day
Girls Night
Road Trip!
Paint a room
Fixing a headlight
Singles aren’t looking to pull you away from your family indefinitely. They may even enjoy spending time with your family under certain circumstances. But while inviting them for dinner can make them feel like a “third wheel,” taking time to be with them on their turf can meet the need for companionship we all desire.
4: Spiritual Development
I am tempted to use the word “prodding” in place of development as couples have a built in “iron sharpening iron” situation. As my friend Christie put it, “when you are sleeping with someone and sharing toothbrush space, it gets real.” It takes more intentionality to provide this for a single, but there are several ways you can help a single go farther in their spiritual walk.
Engage in purposeful spiritual discussion
Ministry projects
Fasting
Praying
Memorizing Scripture
While it is natural for couples to turn to each other for all of these needs, I challenge you to choose one way to bless a single this week as an act of service. Being the body of Christ means that we are all connected, married and single alike. Going outside of our comfort bubbles to help another Christian is what the church is all about.
Thankfully, I am greatly blessed in my friendships and am able to use many personal examples in the situations listed above. If you are a single that has experienced couples filling in gaps for you, I’d love to hear your stories below. And you couples are welcome to join the conversation too! We’re all family here.
