by Donya Dunlap | Jul 1, 2016 | The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
If social media had 10 Commandments, “Thou shalt be perfect” would be number 1.
Thou shalt have the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, the perfect children, and the perfect house. You must say the right things, follow the right people, and agree with the right politics OR you will not be accepted. You will be an outcast.
Sadly, this rejection happens frequently in the church as well. When it does, it’s a small leap to feel rejected by God. We believe that our looks, education, personalities, or our past prevents us from being used by God. We accept these lies and act accordingly, walking in shame when God has already given us victory, power, and purpose in Christ!
Israel’s Outcasts
Isaiah records two groups of people that felt like outcasts in his day: foreigners and eunuchs. Today’s equivalent would be non-“church people” and singles.
If you didn’t grow up in church and you don’t know the lingo, when to stand, when to sing, and where Ecclesiastes is in the Bible, you can quickly feel like you don’t belong.
As a single person in the church, you can feel shunned by the Sunday School classes for parents and ladies events geared towards married people. You start to believe the lie that if God hasn’t blessed you with a spouse and children that you are being punished.
Thankfully, God doesn’t see either group the way we humans often do.
Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the Lord say,
“The Lord will surely separate me from his people”;
and let not the eunuch say,
“Behold, I am a dry tree.”
For thus says the Lord:
“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me
and hold fast my covenant,
I will give in my house and within my walls
a monument and a name
better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
that shall not be cut off.
Isaiah 56:3-5 ESV
What a powerful promise! God looks at the foreigner and makes him family. God looks at the eunuch and gives him an everlasting name—one better than having offspring would have provided.
How is this possible?
Grace.
For years I had the mindset that God saved me by grace, but that I had to earn His favor through my good works. I was consumed with trying to be everything I thought everyone else wanted me to be. The ghost of perfection haunted me and made me feel like a failure.
Then I began to learn one live-giving truth.
God’s acceptance of us is based in His grace—period.
When I accepted God’s gift of salvation, my sin was exchanged for Christ’s righteousness. All of it. When God looks at me He doesn’t see an outcast. He sees the perfection of His beloved Son. I am accepted and loved by God because of Jesus’ work on the cross, not any work that I have done or ever will do.
Living under the guilt of things already forgiven is disregarding God’s grace. Striving to earn His pleasure by doing good works is calling God a liar. To quote Jesus:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.
Matthew 22: 37-38
The 10 Commandments prove that following a list of do’s and don’ts is impossible. Rules cannot make us holy. Only Christ’s righteousness can make us holy. Trying to “do better,” “rededicating our lives to God” and all other similar mindsets only set us up for failure. The problem is continuing to focus on ourselves.
Putting our focus on Christ is the only way to walk in victory.
Will we still sin? Yes. But when we do, we do not roll about in it, convinced that we are worthless. We confess it—accepting His forgiveness and putting our focus back on Him. Our failures do not define us. We must accept Christ’s forgiveness and grow in thankfulness for His grace.
The world, and even other Christians, may still consider you or me to be an outcast, but God calls us His own. If you haven’t received God’s gift of salvation, you can do so today. According to the God “who gathers the outcasts of Israel,” all are welcome to receive His grace.
Thank you for reading! If you would like to discuss these truths further, you can post a comment below, or take part in the Facebook Live video about this post happening at 10:00 a.m., Friday, July 1. Get a reminder by liking this page and clicking to receive notifications in your newsfeed.
by Donya Dunlap | Sep 11, 2015 | Making a Difference, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
I have chosen to live in Charlotte, North Carolina. It’s where I sleep and work and go to church, but some days my heart is elsewhere. Today, as with many of my fellow Americans, my heart has been in New York City, remembering the fallen, and the brave. Much of the last few days it’s in a hospital room with my dad in Michigan. In a few weeks, it will be with my newborn niece in Georgia. Most of the time it’s on the seashore of a deserted island.
A very wise man once said,
Home is where the heart is.
-Pliny the Elder (23-79 AD)
I believe this is even more true for the Christian than for the average citizen. The Christian’s home is with Christ. As a result, we will have a growing discontent and restlessness that points our mind heavenward. The “growing pains” of loneliness and frustration with the current world system should be clues that we are to run to Christ with our concerns instead of trying to find a solution in politics or even the church. That’s not to say that Christians shouldn’t strive to improve this world or even be better members within the church, but our final satisfaction and fulfillment will ultimately be in Christ.
But even with this understanding, how do you practically make the most of your life when your heart feels like it’s walking around outside your chest? Where is “home” on the days when your heart is in pieces scattered all over the globe? What then?
I have found that there are three actions I can take when my heart is restless or “homesick.”
- Choose thankfulness. Find reasons to love the city or season in which you find yourself. Keep a blessings or a gifts journal. Try to find circumstances within the situations that further your life goals and be grateful for them.
- Voice your love. I am especially burdened with this thought today, the 14th anniversary of 9/11/2001, the day the Twin Towers fell. So many voices that day were silenced. So many unspoken words. So many families forever altered. My heart still grieves for them. But you and I, we must choose to use the voices we still have for love. Send a letter. Make a phone call. Tell those you miss that you are thinking of them and that you appreciate the role they have in your life. You never know when God may choose to sever those ties. Say the words while you have time.
- Make the most of every day. Wishing you were here or there never makes it so—especially when your wishes carry you to the past or future. Live in the present. It’s okay to feel lonely or to miss a loved one, but to remain emotionally stuck is not God’s plan for us. He desires for us to engage with those in our spheres of influence as Joseph did in Egypt and Daniel did in Babylon. If you find yourself struggling with moving forward in your life, I encourage you to seek godly counsel.
As planes fly over my apartment on this date full of meaning and memories, I am reminded that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Time is still fleeting, despite all the safety features we have built in to our lives. So while you still live, and breathe—be thankful, be loving, be engaged…and in so doing you will change your self and your world.
by Donya Dunlap | Mar 3, 2015 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
When you write a book on singleness, you become an accidental expert on all things relating to love and dating. This is partially terrifying and mostly heartbreaking. I say terrifying because I am absolutely NOT an expert…on anything. It’s heartbreaking because of the kinds of questions people come to me with at times.
In today’s culture, intimacy in relationship is assumed, the why’s and how’s discussed in every medium. Virginity is considered a myth or mocked as a useless bauble. Those that choose to hold tightly to it are ridiculed as childish, foolish, or undesirable. Why treasure a plastic trinket when you can have a different glittering jewel every night of the week?
Even many Christians believe celibacy outside of marriage is an old-fashioned, Old Testament rule that does not apply to today. Some trying to follow God’s plan wonder if doing so will sabotage them out of the happy ending that everyone else appears to be getting. They wonder, if a person withholds their bodies for their mate, what chance do they have in ever getting one? In essence, they are asking…can I trust God with my sexuality?
Oh it doesn’t seem like that on the surface, but all of the what/if’s and if/then’s all boil down to one thing…this God that invented love, and sex, and marriage…this Creator that made my body and my hormones…this Savior that has given guidelines for living that run in complete contrast to the culture…does He really know what is best for me? Does He truly have my happiness in mind? Is my virginity, my sexuality, this mysterious thing that feels at times like such a heavy burden–is it really as precious as He says it is?
The struggle is intricately tied to our innermost desires for intimacy and acceptance. But, despite what all the magazines, books, and movies tell us, great sex is not the answer to the storm that rages in our hearts. To God, it isn’t even the main point of marriage.
Sex is a gift. A precious gift intended to melt two hearts, two bodies, and two souls together in a way that no other thing can. God designed it that way. He created the pheromones and synapses that send us unending messages of promise and desire. God imagined the nerve endings and chemical reactions that make the physical experience so satisfying and enjoyable. And to the woman who struggles with the physical ache of an empty bed and the emotional pain of rejection, the One who keeps this gift from her may seem cruel and careless, as if her happiness and fulfillment are nothing more than a carrot on a string.
But the bottom line is simply that God’s ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our fallen reasonings. He can see the big picture. We can’t. It comes down to a matter of trust. Regardless of what we think is best, or even fair, God asks us to trust Him with our bodies and our sexuality.
There are many reasons to argue for the benefits of virginity from scientific, medical, and psychological perspectives…each capable of filling many empty pages of many books. But all the arguments pale in comparison to the purity of Christ, His sacrifice for us, and His simple question…Do you trust me?
Embracing virginity is simply embracing Christ.
It is a surrender of your will to His. The benefits are many and perhaps a more detailed discussion is appropriate for another time. For today, I encourage you to search your heart. Do you believe that God has your best in mind? Are you willing to bow your knee to His wisdom despite your inner yearnings? Do you trust Him?
Photo credit: Glenn Franco Simmons / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA
by Donya Dunlap | Aug 29, 2013 | The Single Life
I don’t have a Kitchen Aid Mixer. I don’t have pretty every-day dishes and matching glasses for twelve. I don’t have a dining room table or bedroom furniture, and I don’t have a joint checking account. Why? Because I never got married. I never had a bridal shower. And you know what else I don’t have? Regrets.
I’ve had people ask me,
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Don’t you want to get married?”
“Are you one of those single, cat ladies that hates men?”
The answer to those questions are: a) How much time do you have? b) What I want has nothing to do with it… and c) I’m a dog person and actually have quite a few guy friends. We get along quite well, thank you.
Some people think that I put on a show, that deep down I’m desperate to be married and that I’m just trying to convince myself and others that I’m okay. The truth is, I’m really okay. I’m better than that actually. I’m blessed far beyond what I deserve, I have all of my daily needs, I’m surrounded by people that love me, and God has a purpose for my life that goes far beyond my marital status.
There is a popular dating site that uses Psalm 37:4 as their theme verse:
Delight yourself in The Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I love that verse. It’s a wonderful promise, except people insert meaning into it that isn’t there. The actual meaning of the verse is not, “if I’m a really good girl, and obey all of the rules, then God is going to pad my bank account and make me Mrs. Prince Charming dressed in Gucci.” The meaning behind that verse is that if we delight ourselves in The Lord, if we make Him the desire of our hearts, then He will give us His desires for us and make them our desires too. That is SO much better than anything I could EVER put on my wish list!
God’s plan for the human race was for us to be satisfied in Him and Him alone. When Adam and Eve plunged the world into sin, they also plunged the human heart into a black hole of self-centeredness. We think that in order to be happy, we need to fill that hole with matching silverware and a set of china dishes. What Jesus came to tell is us that He is enough.
Later in Psalm 37 it says:
Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but The Lord upholds the righteous.
I sometimes tease my mom about wanting the pots and pans that my siblings all received as their wedding gifts, but honestly, that’s just a stack of expensive, shiny metal. Nice to have maybe, but I would much, much rather have a close walk with God who supplies my every need in miraculous ways, just so He can hear the wonder in my voice when I praise Him for His goodness. If someday He chooses to bless me with a reason to have a bridal shower, then I will praise Him for that too…but if not…that’s okay. He is enough—the great I AM—always has been and always will be. I’ll take Him over a set of Pyrex any day.
Photo credit: Shauna Younge Dessert Tables / Foter / CC BY
by Donya Dunlap | Aug 14, 2013 | The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
During the last seven months of women’s ministry, I’ve sensed something amiss when sharing with others what God has been doing. In the daily work, it is exciting and thrilling to see God move hearts, change mindsets, and bring understanding and rescue. But when I am in conversation with others, or listening to co-workers share their stories from the trenches, I continue to hear a disturbing response. It varies in presentation, but generally boils down to, “how many?”
How many attend your services? How many people come to your Bible studies? How many people have been rescued? How many have accepted Christ? How many? How many? How many?
I understand the thought behind the question. It’s an innocent thing we humans do. We quantify. We analyze. We justify where we put our money based on results. It makes sense…but it is a concerning mindset for two reasons:
It plants a seed of hurry in the mind of the minister.
If allowed to grow, this seed can lead to focusing on the fruit instead of committing to be faithful to the work that God has called them to do. This throws the ministry off-point because God didn’t call us to the storage barns. He called us to the harvest fields. It is the minister’s job to minister and God’s job to bring about the results. If a minister develops a hurried spirit focused on numbers, he will soon find himself far from the path God placed him on with his ministry in shambles at his feet.
It overlooks the value of the one.
In the parable of the lost sheep, Jesus pictures for us how much He values one soul. He said,
“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.” (Matthew 18:11-13)
It’s true that Jesus died for the world as a whole, but He loves each of us as individuals. He knows us by name. He listens to our thoughts and our innermost groanings that we can’t even put into words. (Romans 8:26) Yes, He calls us to minister to the multitudes, but His plan is to win them one-by-one. A solitary soul is worth far more than the collective riches of this world, because it is for each one that Christ poured out His blood and love for on Calvary.
So I challenge you, the next time you find yourself chatting with a missionary about his field, ask him about the one. The one moment that has brought him the most joy. The first person that came to Christ. The most recent convert he was able to introduce to the baptism waters. If you want to be encouraged by a smile that comes straight from heaven, focus on the worth of one soul that Christ and that minister loves. I promise, if you asked them if all the heartaches they have had to endure in their ministry was worth the soul of one, they would say, “yes.” And Jesus would too.
And if you are that minister that is concerned about your tiny congregation or the recent dip in your attendance numbers, I challenge you to remember the immeasurable worth of one. Don’t give way to the call to hurry. Each soul is priceless and precious to the One that died for them.
Photo credit: h.koppdelaney / Foter / CC BY-ND
by Donya Dunlap | Jun 6, 2013 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
In listening recently to a series of podcasts by Andy Stanley to singles, I heard the best question I have ever heard with regards to finding a mate. With this simple question, Pastor Stanley encouraged his listeners to shift their focus from finding the One to becoming the One.
“Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?”
In other words, if you met the perfect person for you today, would that person be attracted to you? Or would your actions and reputation keep them at arms length?
This is a tough, but desperately needed question for any single person desiring a godly, happy, marriage someday. I know of many singles who think that if they can just get married, their financial problems will cease to exist, they will be motivated to exercise and stay fit, they will magically be more concerned with the other person than themselves, their lustful desires will go away, and everything will be perfect.
This is SO not true.
And yet, many of us, myself included, have had thoughts like this. The truth is, when two people get married, they bring themselves into the marriage. They don’t become different people, they just become married people. If you have a hard time saving money now, you will have a harder time saving money later because now two people are involved. If you don’t take care of yourself now, you probably won’t find time to do it after you are married either.
Pastor Stanley’s advice continues throughout his four part series, “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating” (follow the link to listen to the podcasts) Here are a few thoughts that I found to be powerful:
Determine that, “I will not be someone’s regret.”
“The present will be your past which will be present in your future.”
“A lack of preparation cannot be trumped by a promise.”
“Commit now to becoming someone who can keep their promises later.”
These are such crucial things to remember when contemplating marriage. Before you ever go down that road, or if you have already begun a relationship, take steps now towards becoming the person that God says you are to be, specifically regarding relationships. Honor all men as being in the image of God. Don’t man bash them when they aren’t around. Set up guardrails around your purity. A lack of preparation will guarantee regret later. Deal with emotional trauma from your childhood. Get rid of bad habits that you wouldn’t want your future spouse to bring into a marriage.
If you know you are solidly entrenched in the world’s philosophy of dating and you aren’t sure how to change that, Pastor Stanley suggests making an appointment with yourself for a year from now to resume dating. Within that year, refuse to do anything that could lead to a relationship. Instead, focus on changing yourself. Entrench yourself in Scripture, pray for the Holy Spirit to change your thoughts, practice becoming a person that honors the opposite sex. I would also like to add that when that year is over, determine that you will keep your standards for yourself and any future mates high. Don’t settle for Mr. Right Now when with a dose of godly patience, you can have God’s best.
Another side note from me…Men are not a means to an end. They are souls made in the image of God and should be treated as such. They aren’t sugar daddies or baby daddies or a better option than being alone. Single Christian women, we have an obligation to model biblical thinking about relationships to the world. So…
What path are you on?
The common path of culture leads to loose dating and difficult marriages ending in divorce. Choose God’s path of purity and wholeness and you will enjoy a marriage full of love, trust and intimacy as God intended it to be.
Photo credit: Flооd / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
