by Donya Dunlap | May 10, 2013 | The Single Life, Write Hard Things
Holidays are traditionally full of emotional mine-fields, and none is quite so treacherous as Mother’s Day. I absolutely adore my mother. I respect her. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her in person. I talk to her almost every day and I will celebrate her and the memory of my grandmothers this weekend as they well deserve.
But I am also keenly aware that for many women, this coming Sunday will bring many tears of loss, regret, and unfulfilled desires. I know dozens of women who have lost children to death or distanced relationships, suffered miscarriages, or struggle with infertility…and my heart is pained for them. I have no desire to detract from their sorrow. But there is another group of women that also mourn an empty nest on Mother’s Day that many never consider. It is for these women, for single women, that I write today.
Will it ever be my turn?
This Mother’s Day I will be 33 years old…the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me, her fourth child. Friends that I roamed the hallways with as a child now have children entering middle school. Young women that I ministered to as teens are getting married and starting families. My nephew and his wife have a beautiful, two year old bundle of sweetness that I love to death. Other friends that have struggled with fertility have recently been able to adopt. I’m thrilled for them all. And yet, on days like Mother’s Day, I wonder if that happiness is something I will ever personally experience.
It isn’t something that I talk about often, but it is a prayer and dream of mine that I will be able to adopt at least one child by the time I turn 40. This past year I even dared dream long enough to post several baby boards on Pinterest. But in my heart I know that unless God chooses to answer my dream through His supernatural favor, my empty nest will be a lifetime reality.
While it is an area of my heart that is completely in the Lord’s hands, every once in a while it throbs a bit to remind me that it’s still there. And I know I’m not the only one. In fact, I know of several single women that actually have a greater desire to be a mother than they do to be a wife. I believe it to be a God-given instinct—a part of our DNA as women. And just like any other unmet desire, it can be used for good or evil.
Nurturing others as a single person
If this is an area of struggle for you as well, I encourage you to use the upcoming weekend to motivate you to good works rather than wishful introspection. You don’t have to bear a child to use your motherly heart for God. Ask Him to bring across your path a young woman to mentor. Invest in her life. Take her out to eat. Listen to her.
Another way to use that nurturing instinct is to be a blessing to an elderly woman. Many nursing home patients never receive a single visit from a family member. Sunday will come and go and hundreds of elderly mothers will feel lucky if they get a phone call or a card. They would love for someone to listen to their stories or sing to them songs from their childhood.
I don’t always do a good job of remembering this, but the Holy Spirit reminds me often there is always someone with a bigger hurt than mine and that everyone has something that they are struggling with at any given moment. Many times the hurts are too deep to ever express. Focusing on your own heartaches does nothing but magnify them. But when you seek to be a blessing to someone else, you end up receiving the bigger blessing yourself.
His ways are higher
If God has given you an empty nest, He has done it for a reason. It may be for a season or forever…only time will tell. What you do with it is up to you. You can view it as a a hole in your heart, or a basket to fill with blessings. The choice is yours. Choose well dear ones.
by Donya Dunlap | Feb 14, 2013 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
For a brief time I loved Valentine’s Day. I thrilled to be part of the romance and clung to the hope that it offered for wedded bliss. And then, for a much longer span of time, I abhored Valentine’s Day. Just one glimpse of that little demon Cupid flying off to bestow love and happiness on some other fortunate soul would stir up feelings of anger in the pit of my stomach. My mouth would fill with sarcastic darts of poison aimed at anyone close enough to hit with them. To get the best aim, I built my walls of insecurity higher and higher. I had been hurt and my response to that was taking the offensive against even the idea of true love.
Today I find myself in the middle of the two extremes.
I neither love nor hate the holiday itself, but there are things about it that still evoke a strong emotional response. I love to see expressions of love between married couples on social media, especially when it is initiated by a man. I love a man that is secure enough to show the world that he loves his girl in a Christ-honoring way. But I also hate that for so many the day is a painful reminder of loss and unfulfilled hope. It breaks my heart to see young women stomp their way into the trap of bitterness that I know all too well.
One of my goals in writing Forgetting the Fairy Tale was to be a help to both the happily married and the hopelessly single. There is a huge temptation for both individuals to seek to find fulfillment in a person outside of Jesus Christ. Both are wrong to do so. Towards the end of the chapter, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, I wrote this reminder:
The perfect Valentine’s Day Gift!
The only way to find true peace and contentment is to be at war with the idols of our hearts. You must constantly evaluate your thoughts and motives and determine who you are serving. Are you walking in the image of Christ or of Satan? Are your desires godly or have they become an idol—displacing God from the throne of your heart? A boyfriend, husband, therapy, alcohol, food, drugs—none of these things satisfy a longing soul. Only the peace of God’s presence in your life can provide the sense of undying love and contentment you crave.
I still find I have moments when I want to hide behind aloofness or whine over a sense of loneliness. But if I choose to turn to Him, I find that Jesus really is the best listener, best friend, best encourager and best companion with which to walk through life that I could ever have. Should He see fit to provide for me a spouse, I will thank Him for it. But if He doesn’t, that’s okay too. I have found that even on Valentine’s Day it is possible to say:
This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:23-24
Interested in reading more of Forgetting the Fairy Tale? Purchase your own copy at Amazon today!
Photo Credit: bored-now / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
by Donya Dunlap | Feb 12, 2013 | Bible Study, Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
From the earliest moments of our journey through life we are bombarded by the concept of the fairy tale. We are dressed in tiny little shirts proclaiming us to be “Daddy’s little princess” and read nighttime stories of bravery, heroism, and love from little hard-bound, picture books. As soon as we can toddle we are given tulle-enhanced dress-up gowns and jewel-encrusted play shoes, a sparkling tiara to hold back our hair and a fairy wand with which to command the bidding of our loyal subjects.
As we grow we read books and watch movies convincing us of the fairy tale romance we all must strive for to be happy. Commercials tell us that we need X product so we can be more beautiful, more successful, more desirable. Magazines hold up airbrushed beauties in the highest esteem. Tabloids tear down anyone with a hint of imperfection, real or perceived.
At every turn, we are receiving messages that are trying to convince us that we can never be happy, satisfied, successful or fulfilled unless we chase the fairy tale life. The problem, however, lies in the very definition of “fairy tale.”
Defining a fairy tale
According to Merriam-Webster.com, a fairy tale’s definition is:
1a: a story (as for children) involving fantastic forces and beings (as fairies, wizards, and goblins) —called also fairy story
1b: a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending
2: a made-up story usually designed to mislead
The synonyms also share some enlightening information with us.
Synonyms: fable, fabrication, lie, falsehood, falsity, fib, mendacity, prevarication, story, tale, taradiddle, untruth, whopper
By its definition, a fairy tale is a lie. In the context of spiritual things, any belief opposite of truth comes directly from the Father of Lies. Watching or reading a fairy tale is a fine choice of entertainment, but living a fairy tale is a dangerous road leading to destruction.
Music, movies, magazines—media feeds us the myth that happiness is just out of our reach. But the truth is, we can find our “happily ever after” if we center our lives on our one true love, Jesus Christ.
Why Forgetting the Fairy Tale?
People have asked me why I decided to write Forgetting the Fairy Tale. My answer is simple. I couldn’t NOT write it. God wouldn’t let me get away from this message.
I had to do what I could to stop the flood of fairy tale casualties.
Everywhere I turned I saw people believing the lies of Satan. Every time I witnessed a young girl choose Satan’s lies over Jesus’ love, my heart would break. Every time I witnessed a marriage fall apart I mourned.
Have you found yourself believing true happiness can be found outside of an intimate relationship with Jesus? If so, I encourage you to read Forgetting the Fairy Tale and its Companion Guide. The truths of Scripture contained in these books are sure to speak to your heart and open your mind to what it means to have Jesus be your everything.
Forgetting the Fairy Tale and the Forgetting the Fairy Tale Companion Guide are both available on Amazon. To read reviews and endorsements of the book, click here.
by Donya Dunlap | Sep 25, 2012 | How Great is Our God, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
There are times when words fall short. We have a longing, an ache of heart and soul that cannot be expressed with common language. And yet the poet William Butler Yeats seems able to structure simple words and phrases to mimic an unspoken cry better than most.
The Carina Nebula – Photo Credit: NASA, ESA, and M. Livio and the Hubble 20th Anniversary Team – hubblesite.org
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
– William Butler Yeats, “Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven” courtesy of allpoetry.com
Z. Randall Stroope set this wonderful text to music and I have the wonderful privilege of singing it along with several dozen other talented musicians in an upcoming concert. (Listen to a recording of the piece here) We’ve been rehearsing it now for several weeks. The text, the melody, the harmonies and the emotion of the piece struck me deeply the first time I heard it. Since then it has been simmering in my heart waiting for me to gather the courage to try to put my thoughts on paper.
The poem is titled “Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven.” Yeats used the man Aedh as a character is several writings. While there are varied explanations of what was behind the words of the young man as he poured out his soul at the feet of the woman he loved, I couldn’t help but immediately think of Ruth chapter 3:7-9.
And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: and she came softly, and uncovered his feet, and laid her down. And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid, and turned himself: and, behold, a woman lay at his feet. And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.
One of my great burdens is that we modern Christians miss so much truth buried in the ancient and foreign cultures written of in the Bible. We are so busy and scattered that we read without understanding or imagination. The love story of Ruth and Boaz is one so wrought with emotion and meaning, but we so often rush through the reading of the four short chapters, mark it off of our to-do lists and completely miss the point of the text. I’m not going to delve into the meaning of the entire book at this time, but I want you to pause for a moment with me. Will you do that? Will you take a deep breath and put yourself into this narrative?
Ruth is a widow. She has loved deeply and lost much, including her family and homeland which she exchanged in order to remain with and care for her aging mother-in-law. She is in a strange town surrounded by strange people. If that was you, how would you feel?
Frightened? Vulnerable? Exposed? Lonely?
I’m sure there were times when Ruth felt all of these things. I imagine she cried herself to sleep on more than one occasion.
Several months pass and while times are difficult and finances are tight, Ruth and Naomi are able to live off of the grain gathered in Boaz’ fields. There is an obvious attraction between Ruth and Boaz, and yet neither acts in a way to bring their relationship to a personal level.
One night Naomi determines that something must be done. She instructs Ruth to bathe and dress herself then secretly go to the place where Boaz is working over the grain from the harvest. Ruth complies with the request of her guardian and spreads her garments over the uncovered feet of the one who had power to protect her or crush her should he so choose.
After a time he is startled awake by the realization that there is a woman at his feet. Ruth explains her presence and essentially asks Boaz to marry her. Please, let the scene work in your heart and mind for just a brief time. This young woman, so damaged by her past, so fragile, so desperate, lays all of her hopes and dreams for security, a future and a family at the feet of one she barely knew and asks him to please, tread softly.
The story of Ruth and Boaz is a picture of our story with Christ. We are poor and needy and have nothing to offer Him, and yet, when we ask Him, He takes our fragile, broken hearts so gently in His hands and He heals them. He gives to us His love, His protection and all the treasures of Heaven. And yet, so often we turn away from His love and trample over His gifts. But to the glory of His name, every single time that we return to His feet seeking forgiveness, He reaches down and lifts us to His heart again.
The very One who owns the heavens’ embroidered cloths of gold and silver light is madly in love with you tonight. Tread softly. He dreams of an intimate union with you as you journey through life and into eternity. Tread softly. Draw near to Him.
Tread softly.
by donyadunlap | Feb 13, 2012 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
Forgetting the Fairy Tale
Chapter 1
“Once upon a time.” Isn’t that how all of the great stories begin? “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess.” Now let’s be honest. Who hasn’t dreamed of becoming royalty? The magnificent castle, the devoted servants, the fabulous, designer-made dresses, the glimmering jewels and, of course, the shoes! You and I have been raised on such stories. The princess may be trapped in a gilded cage of luxury and loneliness, or perhaps she is wandering the streets, penniless and unaware of the drama that is about to unfold in her life. Regardless of how the story begins, we all know the end. Somehow, someway, our princess is rescued by her knight in shining armor, and they live happily ever after. [sigh]
It’s a dream come true—or so we hope—for at some point in the story, the beautiful princess has taken on our features. Suddenly, it is our slippered feet that are gliding across the ballroom floor, and it is our gloved hand resting in the grasp of the prince. We spin underneath a canopy of stars, breathe in the sweet-smelling fragrance of roses and jasmine, and believe that all our worries are behind us. The story eventually ends, but it continues to live on in our hearts. We grow up dreaming of that magical day when we will meet “the one”—the man of our dreams. We picture the days to follow being filled with flowers, moonlight kisses, and perfect happiness. We imagine walking down a candlelit aisle, strewn with rose petals and flanked on either side with our friends and family. The rings are exchanged, I do’s are said, and the cake is cut, and we ride off into the sunset to begin our own happily ever after.
But then, one day, we’re finishing high school, or we’re struggling to get through college, or maybe we are establishing a career, and harsh reality jolts us out of our reverie. No rose petals, no wedding bells, and not the first sign of a knight on the horizon. We begin to wonder, is there something wrong with us? Do we need to try harder? Has God failed us? Our hope fades, our dreams die, and disillusionment and bitterness, cynicism, desperation, depression, and discontent take up residence in the halls of our hearts.
Untold numbers of little girls wake up as grown women with their dreams in shattered pieces at their feet. I could introduce you to woman after woman whose lives are in ruins today because of a fairy tale. Some women hold tightly to their dreams and do what they feel necessary to make the fairy tale come true. They set aside their values and convictions, their personal preferences, and sometimes even their identities to become that perfect catch. They lie to themselves, their families, friends, and boyfriends to get their special day—and unfortunately, it works. They get the white dress, stringed quartet, and perfectly cut diamond, but at what cost? They find themselves married to men that don’t really know them at all, and often, men that did their share of lying too. At best, these relationships are filled with disappointment and heartache. Worst case scenarios include abuse, neglect, fornication, divorce, and suicide.
Other women choose the single life out of fear and self-defense. They build walls around their heart to avoid that familiar sting of pain, perhaps caused earlier in their lives by abuse, ridicule, or rejection. Holiday after holiday goes by, and there are no special deliveries for them. No romantic dinners, no promises of undying love, and no little black boxes. They didn’t want this life. It was thrust upon them—or so they choose to believe. They are victims in a cruel and lonely world. They blame everyone around them for their life choices and radiate insecurity, jealousy, and bitterness. The once tender heart of the dreamer has become hardened and wrapped in the protective coverings of feminist mantras and an ever-looping track of “I Will Survive” on their MP3 players.
Some women get caught up in their fairy tale romance, only to lose their childish fantasies in one reckless moment. Their innocence and sweet spirit is seemingly stolen from them overnight. Soon they discover that they no longer have the luxury of living like a child, for in a few short months, they are going to be responsible for a child themselves. For a time it seems storybook perfect. He is charming and handsome and such a gentleman! He whispers that he will be there forever. He vows his love—until the day the drug store test comes back positive.
There are still other women who seem to have it all together. They are sweet and submissive to their authorities. They are involved in church; they have their Sunday school awards and their Bible club trophies scattered about their bedrooms; and they wouldn’t think of doing anything to shame themselves or their families. They may even elevate themselves above those around them who seem to flounder in the midst of their life choices. They are so stable, in fact, that while they live in complete mental acknowledgement of God, their daily decisions are made within the realm of their own experience and self-assurance. They meet a man that will provide them with the companionship they desire and the security they need, and without thought to what God might have in mind for their future, they plunge ahead. Along the way, they might nod to those who raise red flags of warning, but out of personal pride and fear of what others may think of them should they choose a different way, they continue on their path to destruction.
And then there are women who rush, rush, rush from morning to night, filling their lives with every possible relationship and amusement. They are terrified of being alone, and so they mingle. They have their boy next door, the workplace flirtation, and a list of backup prospects. They feed off the attention of those around them and even imagine admirers in the crowd when there aren’t any to be found—exaggerating the motive behind glances in their direction to boost their own egos. They are the life of the party and are far too busy to listen to the warnings of their soul. They can’t pause to heed the gentle stirrings, for they have that next thing to get to, and who knows? Prince Charming might be right around the corner! They are always running, always searching, and never finding peace.
These women and countless others each have different personalities, insecurities, and motives, but they all share the same heartache when they lie awake at night; the joy, peace, security, and contentment that they imagined for themselves which died with their childhood. Their horizons are no longer shimmering with the sunshine of love. They have no hope of better things to come. Their thoughts are filled with two main questions: How did I get into this mess, and how do I get out?
It is for these woman and many more that I sit at my computer to write. My heart breaks at the sight of other hearts breaking around me, and I can’t keep silent anymore. I have spoken to women in the pit of despair and read blog entries of dear sisters in Christ who are being crushed in the vise of depression. They can barely go on, because they don’t have a man to help them. Their thoughts and lives are consumed with what God has not seen fit to give them. They are desperate for attention, acceptance, and love, and my heart aches for them. Do I have it altogether? No. Absolutely not. I struggle too. I hate dealing with car mechanics that want to steal my money because I can’t tell the difference between a carburetor and an oil pump. I have days of self-pity and doubt over whether or not I’m “good enough” to get married. I’ve caught myself acting foolishly to catch the attention of a man. I’ve thought that my life was as good as over when a relationship fell apart.
Ladies, I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that I have found true love in the One that does. Every day I fall more in love with my Savior, and with that love comes peace and security that women around me only dream about. Do I wish that I could fall asleep with my husband’s strong arms around me, protecting me from the scary sounds of the night? Sure I do. Is my life a disaster because I don’t have that husband? No, it is not. Would I love to be picking out flowers and music for my wedding day? Absolutely—but not at the expense of my relationship with Christ and my future with Him.
Society tells me that my body needs to look a certain way, and I need to act a certain way and dress a certain way to gain and keep a man’s attention. Love isn’t portrayed as a gift from God and a self-sacrificing relationship between two individuals who hold the other in higher esteem than they hold themselves. To the world, love is a game of wit and wiles. Movies are full of lust and longing. Magazines entice readers with articles on “how to catch him and keep him” and “what drives men wild.” Even music will tell you that “you’re nobody until somebody loves you.” Friend, I am writing to tell you that Someone does love you. In fact, He loves you so deeply that He died a cruel and shameful death in order to have a relationship with you. There is One that longs to talk to you and ease your fears. There is One that deeply desires to bless you with peace of mind and security in who He created you to be. It is my hope that by the time we finish this journey together, you will look at Christ in a whole new way. He is not only the Savior of all mankind, but He is the lover of your soul. He understands you more than you understand yourself and accepts you as you are.
The Great Deceiver would like you to believe that God wants you to be lonely and miserable and that you will never be happy if you surrender your future to Him, but we don’t have to listen to his lies! God’s desire is to set us free. Free from our misplaced affections. Free from our fears. Free from the captivity of our minds and protection from the daily onslaught of the worldview. As the Prophet Jeremiah said so many, many years ago:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity.
Look around you. Spend a few minutes at a food court or in an airport, and you will quickly realize that heartache is an epidemic. Of course, you have to look beyond the perfectly made-up faces and the fabulous costumes that everyone puts on before facing the world each morning. People pretend so much that the line between reality and make-believe is often indistinguishable, even to the one playing the part. At the ball game, at the grocery store, at the restaurant, look around you. Look into the eyes of the waitresses, the cashiers, the shoppers, the couple at the table beside you. What do you see? Worry. Loneliness. Bitterness. Desperation. Frustration. Emptiness. Disappointment. Despair. Hopelessness. Fear. Pain. Now look in the mirror. What do you see? How did it happen? It all began with a fairy tale.
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by donyadunlap | Jun 13, 2011 | The Single Life
I have hesitated in the past about publishing anything on this topic out of the fear of soundy too soap-boxy (for lack of a better term). However, I had a lovely talk with an old friend this weekend and this topic was broached, stirring up all sorts of little boxes I have stored in my “pet peeves” closet. If you know me at all, you know I have a hard time keeping my little pets in obedient and silent compliance after such an event–thus the blog post.
I could discuss in length various grievences that I have with the way singles are treated–maybe that will be book two. For now, I want to communicate just one basic thing to anyone that has contact with, is related to, or has a ministry for single people. We are single, not contagious. We don’t need to be fixed, counseled or made aware of our singleness, nor do we appreciate being treated as someone carrying a deadly and communicable disease. We don’t care who you know that would be just the perfect cure to put our singleness into remission. We are single–not sick, not broken, not diseased, not emotionally stunted, not incapable of love, not avoiding the inevitable, not afraid of committment, not miserable, not desperate, not waiting by our phones with bated breath–we’re just single. Period.
I usually try to remind myself that those who try to doctor the situation are really well-meaning individuals who just have no idea what it’s like to be single and so deserve an extra dose of grace when they say stupid and sometimes offensive things out of a desire for us “to just be happy.” However, I have been giving such grace for a number of years now and my grace tank is running low. So with an attitude of full disclosure and with a heart that really does desire to help others, I’d like to share with you a couple passages of Scripture that have benefited me and will hopefully be a help to both those who interact with singles on a regular basis, or singles who struggle with their singleness. After all, everyone has their moments!
James 1:17 reads, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” There is no exception clause to this verse. God gives to His children every good thing and at just the time they need it. That means, if I desire something that I believe is a good thing and God hasn’t given it to me yet, I must trust Him to know what is best for my life and submit to Him in the knowledge that I don’t always know what is best but He does. My heavenly Father wants the very best for my life and I know that if it is His will for me (or your single friend) to be married, then it is only a matter of time before He will bring it to pass. Until then worrying about it, being overly focused on it or manipulating situations to change my marital status will only bring about stife, discontentment and other forms of evil that God does not desire for my life. We must follow the example of Paul in learning to be content in whatever state we find ourselves in, trusting the Lord to work out His will in His timing. (Philippians 4:11)
Another oft neglected passage of scripture that is worthy of consideration is 1 Corinthians 7. I won’t include the whole chapter within this blog, but I encourage you to read it for yourself. Paul clearly states that while marriage can be a good thing and it certainly isn’t a bad thing, there are several disadvantages to it that single people don’t have to face. Those who are married must think of their spouse above other things. This, by default, limits their ability to serve Christ in some ways. Single people are more flexible to serve on the mission field, minister in youth groups, attend Bible studies, etc. where as married people have their spouses and children to serve first as their main ministry. The works of God are secondary, as God designed them to be, holding up the home as the first sacred institution. A single person has a chance to be undivided in their service to Christ, which can be a wonderful thing, especially if they receive support from others in the ministry and are not looked down upon or shunned because of their marital status.
There are other examples I could list, but I will leave it at this for now. What I hope to accomplish with this post is a little understanding and open-mindedness. If you know a single and have found it difficult to have a relationship with them, try to focus less on making them like you and more on appreciating them for who they are. They have hopes and desires and dreams just like you. Many singles want to be married and have children some day and having others constantly point out the fact that they aren’t there yet and here is what they need to do to “fix it” only aggrevates an already tender feeling that they must deal with on a regular basis. Get to know your single friend one-on-one. Don’t take them out for coffee to butter them up to babysit for you. Just go out and talk, learn from each other, benefit from seeing the world through their eyes, put yourself in their shoes and love them for them. No face masks or hand sanitizer needed.
