by Donya Dunlap | Sep 2, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things
Giving thanks for answered prayer is a joy when the answer is yes. But God’s answer doesn’t always come to us in the form we request. Sometimes God answers in an unexpected turn of events. And sometimes He simply says, “no.”
Fifteen years ago I thought I had my life all planned out. I was going to marry the man of my dreams and have a family and be a faithful servant in our local church. I didn’t understand why God let it all fall apart.
Three years ago I moved to Charlotte to start a women’s ministry. I thought I might stay there forever. God had other plans.
Six months ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I wanted her to stay here. I wanted her to be well. God said no.
Blessings in disguise
These three seasons of prayer reflect extremely difficult times in my life, but looking back, I can truly give thanks for what God has done. My life as a single has brought amazing gifts I could never have imagined and opportunities to serve God that others envy.
My time in Charlotte was full of challenges and blessings. I learned so much and I grew in my relationship with Christ. I don’t regret one minute of my short time there.
Now, I wish more than anything that I could hug my mom again and talk with her. The pain of her absence is with me every day. But she’s with Jesus and I wouldn’t take her away from Him if I could. Her body is whole and she is with people she loves who have gone before her. I’m happy for my mom.
Prayer changes us, not always our circumstances
Above all things I pray that God will honor His promise in Psalm 37:4 to give me the desires of my heart. But before He does, I ask that He first align my desires to His will. I have learned I don’t always know what is best for myself. But if I surrender my will to His loving hand, He will work all things together for good—both for my benefit and for His glory.
If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! – Matthew 7:11
When I was young and my tender heart was broken I couldn’t see the good. Still, time has shown God’s promises to be true. God does give His children all good things. The difficult thing is to remember that Matthew 7:11 is true whether or not our circumstances appear to be good.
Even in the midst of our darkest days, God’s Word is true. Trusting in His promises can give us peace and hope to carry us through the trials we all must face. If we choose to run to God in our pain, we will be protected from the bitter thoughts, anger, and fear trying to rob us of our joy, health, and testimony.
The Great I AM can be trusted with little me
I wish I knew 15 years ago what I know today. I wish I had trusted God more and been more faithful during difficult trials. Those things that brought me great pain I now count as precious in my life. Even in my current grief, I can find reasons to give thanks. It’s not always easy, but I know that God is at work, even in the death of my mom.
As I look to the future and the uncertainty of what tomorrow holds, God’s faithfulness in the past and His promises for the present give me courage. Regardless of whether or not my prayers are answered according to my plans, I will choose to be thankful. I will remember Romans 8:28 and I will trust the Spirit who is holding me up before the throne, seeking God’s best for my life.
by Donya Dunlap | Aug 9, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things
I can’t sing. For a person whose life finds its center in music, this is a big deal.
It started in February. After learning that my mom had cancer, I found myself unable to sing a few of the songs at church without crying. Then during chorale rehearsals, I cried every time we practiced Ashoken Farewell. As my mother worsened, my music selections dwindled. Soon I no longer reached for the radio or sat in a song service that could be avoided.
I thought, in time, my song would return to me. But even now, more than three months past mom’s funeral, I find myself standing silent while others are worshipping, tears streaming down my face.
Worshipping in dust and ashes
In these last months, I’ve come to understand what Job felt when he said,
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. – Job 1:21
Job was devastated by the loss of his children. These words did not come from his lips flippantly. In his lowest moment, face pressed to the ground, tears turning the dust to mud, Job worshipped. He didn’t lift his hands. He didn’t sing a song. He simply surrendered all he had and all he was to the God who held Him in His hands.
My dear friend, when grief presses you to the dust, worship there! … Remember the exhortation of the Psalmist David, “Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8). When you are bowed down beneath a heavy burden of sorrow, worship and adore God there. In full surrender to His divine will, say with Job, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him” (Job 13:15). This kind of worship subdues the will, arouses the affections, stirs the whole mind, and presents you to God in solemn consecration. This worship sweetens sorrow and takes away its sting.
– Charles Spurgeon, Beside Still Waters
Worshipping from the inside out
Worship is both outward action and inward response. Body, soul, and spirit united in surrender and adoration to God for who He is. Worshipping at church on Sunday can look very different from a tear stained pillow at night, but God sees the heart. He knows when our spirits rebel against His will for our lives and when we humbly submit to it.
I believe someday I will sing again. But until I do, I will silently affirm my belief in God’s goodness and my trust in His plan.
Do I understand? No. Thankfully, understanding is not a prerequisite for worship. If that were so, no one could bow before the One that is infinitely beyond all we can imagine. All He asks for are hearts bowed in love and humility.
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move,
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through,
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You,
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You.
-Lauren Daigle
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have a voice with which to praise. But I believe that God is at work for my good and His glory…and that is a sacrifice well pleasing to the Father.
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by Donya Dunlap | Jun 23, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things
In 1873, Horatio Spafford planned a trip to Europe with his family. They were to leave Chicago and cross the Atlantic by boat to join his friends DL Moody and Ira Sanky at an evangelistic crusade they were having in England. The time away was meant to help the family grieve the loss of their son two years earlier, and the later loss of much of Spafford’s real estate holdings that burned in the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.
Just before their departure, Spafford decided to remain at home to attend to some last minute business. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead as scheduled, promising to join them shortly. Some days later, Spafford received a telegraph from his wife reading, “saved alone.” An accident mid-voyage caused their ship to sink. The Spafford’s four daughters drowned.
Spafford immediately left to join his grieving wife in England. At the proper time, the captain of the ship called for Spafford to inform him they were sailing over the location believed to be the final resting place for his daughters. Reeling from his loss, Spafford wrote to a family member,
On Thursday last we passed over the spot where she went down in mid-ocean, the water three miles deep. But I do not think of our dear ones there. They are safe, folded, the dear lambs, and there, before very long, shall we be too. In the mean time, thanks to God, we have an opportunity to serve and praise Him for His love and mercy to us and ours. I will praise Him while I have my being. May we each one arise, leave all, and follow Him.
spaffordhymn.com
Horatio Spafford personified the words of Jesus spoken to His disciples.
In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33
Life accounts such as Horatio Spafford’s and the book of Job bring us face to face with tragedy and suffering that is unimaginable, and yet a part of every Christian’s life. We each experience waves of great loss and pain that sweep over us, making us feel as if we are drowning in grief. We look to heaven and question why God allows such sorrow. We doubt His love in the depths of our despair. Jesus’ response is always the same.
Jesus wept. John 11:35
Isaiah reminds us that Jesus is “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3) The writer of Hebrews tells us that Jesus is able to be our Great High Priest precisely because He is able to sympathize with our weaknesses having experienced them Himself. (Hebrews 4:14-16) Jesus did not shy way from the pain of the cross, but embraced it, considering the joy to come, knowing that through His suffering we would be made free. (Hebrews 12:1-2)
The Christian life is a commitment.
Just as in marriage, if we enter into our relationship with Jesus carrying expectations of an easy, pain free life, we are going to grow disillusioned and feel cheated. But, if we rejoice in the fact that we can endure the trials of life together, gleaning strength from our union, then we will be able to endure with joy as Jesus did.
Moments after crossing over the waters that had claimed his children’s lives, Horatio Spafford penned these words:
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea-billows roll,
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to know
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Tho’ Satan should buffet, tho’ trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul.
spaffordhymn.com
Spafford, like the Apostle Paul, had learned to be content in any state of wealth or loss God allowed for him. (Philippians 4:11)
Sorrows are inevitable.
Trials will come. They will roll over us like ocean waves, the undertow pulling us down into depression, allowing us to surface just long enough to catch a breath before crashing over us again. It is the curse of sin upon the earth that we must endure. Psalms 30:5 reminds us that “weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes with the morning.”
Every midnight has its sunrise. Your determination to be true to Christ in the night will be a beacon to others, shining hope into their storms as well. Cling to Christ in the dark. He understands your grief and He weeps with you. Pray to the Holy Spirit who comforts you and to God the Father who loves you. You are not alone. “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8)
by Donya Dunlap | May 31, 2016 | Modern Day Slavery, The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things
Over the last several days we have all reflected on Memorial Day, a day set aside to reflect on the great sacrifices that have been made in the name of freedom. Memorial Day was originally established to honor the 750,000 lives lost during the tragic years of the Civil War, more than all the other conflicts in the United States’ history combined.
Between the years of 1861-1865, approximately three-quarters of a million American fathers, sons, and brothers lost their lives at the hands of their fellow countrymen. A united nation we were not. These families were decimated for differences of opinion, a desire to rule over others, the love of money, and the belief that some men are created in God’s image and others are not.
History is repeating itself.
Sadly, these beliefs are still prevalent today. Republicans fight against Democrats, Muslims against Christians, Straights against the LGTBQ community. Everywhere you look there are women denigrating men and men devaluing women, purchasers choosing economy over the lives of slaves who are making the products, and people crying out for the legalization of sex work without consideration of the overwhelming majority who are forced or coerced into the “work” without their consent.
All of this infighting is not just about differences of opinion, but an overwhelming foundational attitude that people who are different from me are wrong, possibly less than human, and definitely undeserving of God’s grace. A few are so bold and drama hungry to actually say it—the rest too polite. The blog posts, sermons, and social media debates may not directly include the words “you are not worthy of the gospel,” but the message comes across loud and clear. The 50 States of America are experiencing a second civil war, and tragically, Christians are often at the front lines.
Truth goes marching on.
I believe in right and wrong. I believe God’s Word is our ultimate authority in determining truth and that we as Christians must live according to the Scriptures. However, holding fast to biblical truth does not give us the right to treat other human beings as less than what they are—cherished image bearers of God, carriers of the life-giving breath of God, and people for whom Jesus died.
A call to Christ-honoring civility.
Yelling at someone never causes them to seek Jesus. Arguing over political points of view does not unite us as Americans. All of this bickering is little more than self-promotion, elevating ourselves to the position of judge and jury, making ourselves like God. We are all on very dangerous and unhallowed ground. God is the Righteous Judge of all nations and He makes His position very clear in Psalm 82:2-4:
How long will you judge unjustly and show partiality to the wicked? Provide justice for the needy and the fatherless; uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute. Rescue the poor and needy; save them from the power of the wicked. (HCSB)
Instead of focusing on equality, tolerance, acceptance, and individual rights, why don’t we do what the Scripture says? Imagine with me people on both sides of the gun issue working to provide a loving atmosphere, food, and protection for the inner city children of America. How would that impact gun violence, gang affiliation, and the need all children have for love and a full tummy?
What if bloggers quit writing open letters to this person and against that celebrity and instead used their voices to promote beauty and love for the hurting and oppressed? Might that put a dent in suicide rates, cause church goers to be more understanding, and help the unsaved see themselves as the cherished ones God sees them as?
Righteous anger has its place.
Justice does as well. But this epidemic of “I’m better than you” has got to stop! The “it has to be said” attitude needs to give way to forgiveness and mercy. It doesn’t have to be said. Your opinion is only that—it isn’t gospel. God is judge. We are but unprofitable servants.
I am pleading for a cease fire from caustic words and hateful glances. Let us give thanks for the freedoms we all hold dear and endeavor to use our freedom to serve others. Let us put down our arguments and write someone a note telling them how loved they are by God. Let us honor the fallen, both of the distant and recent history, by choosing to live peaceably with all men. Paul called for the same in Romans 12:6-21. Showing respect to someone who opposes you is not to forsake your convictions, but to trust that God can work through love as He has promised to.
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35 ESV
by Donya Dunlap | May 24, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things
In my last post I talked about how my plans to become a full-time writer finally came true, but it doesn’t look anything like it thought I would. A large part of what I imagined included directing a non-profit to minister to women and introduce them to a full life in Christ. I looked to Isaiah 61 as kind of instruction manual. I, as an extension of the hands and feet of Christ, had been given a mission to turn ashes into beauty, mourning into joy, and heaviness into praise through the power of the Holy Spirit to the glory of God.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.
You can understand my confusion and grief when God redirected my life through the loss of my mother and brought me back to Michigan, otherwise known as Narnia. Michigan is a beautiful place…in June. Come November, Winter invades for six months making you wonder if God turned out the sun and if Spring will ever come again EVER.
So many things in my life are different from what they were a month ago, making my center of gravity quite out of balance. I often find myself saying things like, “Don’t think about it. Now is not a good time to cry. Think about something else.” Sadly, my brain isn’t very obedient. Telling myself to stop thinking about how my mother would have loved eating Sunday lunch with us on the screen porch or how happy should would be that the Tigers won their ball game, doesn’t work. When my eyes start to fill with tears, I quickly grasp at anything to distract myself. Phone. iPad. Laundry. Cleaning. Anything that will stop my brain from going down its current trail of thought.
In the middle of doing this the other day, the thought struck me just how quickly and effectively this distraction trick works. No more sadness. No more tears. Just 43 minutes of whatever show I am behind in on Hulu.
My mind immediately went to my soon-to-be-released ebook, The Wonder Woman’s Manifesto. In it I talk about various ways fear manifests its way in our lives, keeping us from what matters most. Distraction is one of those manifestations.
What am I afraid of?
Am I worried of bringing sadness into a beautiful day? Chances are everyone sitting around our dining table had similar thoughts. We all miss Mom.
Am I afraid of appearing weak? I know that grief is not weakness and that emotion is a gift from God. I know that expressing emotion aids in healing and that people who suppress emotion are more likely to develop physical illnesses than people who face and process their grief.
Am I afraid of losing control? Of streaking my make up? Of causing my father worry? The answer is likely yes to all of these things in various measures.
Emotions are basically puppies
The thing about emotions that we must remember is they aren’t house trained. You can keep them locked up for a while, but at some point, either with your permission or without it, they will get out and make a mess.
They might come out in anger. They might come out in overreacting to your kinds and yelling in frustration. They might come out in depression. They might come out in overeating, over committing at work, over scheduling your calendar, binge watching television, and any number of other things…but one way or another, they will come out.
Choosing to deal with your emotions in healthy ways such as talking to a friend or counselor, journaling, or doing things for others in remembrance of a lost loved one can aid in healing your own heart and being an encouragement to others. By choosing to ignore your emotions, you end up hurting yourself and others, often irreparably.
Creating beauty from pain
I read an article this week of a couple that lost their two young sons in an accident, a tragedy that could easily dissolve a marriage. However, instead of turning their grief inward, the Eddings chose to raise money in honor of their boys to open a school in Haiti. Because they chose to deal with their emotions generously, hundreds of children will now receive an education and the short lives of their sons will have generational impacts on innumerable families.
I encourage you to think of what you might be using in your life as a distraction. Is there an unresolved pain you are hiding from? How can you face that pain in a positive way that will allow yourself to heal and be a help to someone else? What might God be asking you to do with your ashes?
Asking yourself these questions can be difficult, but it can also be rewarding. I challenge you today to name what you are hiding from as a first step in healing. Acknowledge that you are using _____ to distract you from _____ and then ask God for strength to face that pain and turn it into a blessing instead.
God’s desire is to bring beauty from the ashes of our pain, but we must be active participants in the process. Will you let Him do a great work in you?
by Donya Dunlap | May 19, 2016 | The Spiritual Life, Write Hard Things
We all have dreams of our perfect life. Some girls just want to get married and be a mom. Some imagine themselves in business suits and the recognition that comes with an executive’s lifestyle. Me? I’ve wanted to be a full-time writer and ministry director for years. But what do you do when God answers those prayers and gives you what you want, but it’s not like you thought it would be?
When you imagine kissing your handsome husband and holding your angelic newborn, the image is always camera ready. The sun is shining. The house is perfect. Everyone is in matching clothes. You don’t imagine not sleeping for more than two hours at a time for weeks, showering every other day if you’re lucky, a screaming child, a crying mother, a husband that questions your sanity, and every dish in the house sitting on the counter waiting to be washed.
When you plan the decor for your corner office, you probably aren’t thinking about the long hours, the backbiting office gossip, the IT guy that you suspect is stalking you, and the admin assistant that hates you.
In my dreams, I imagined living in a house on the beach, going for an early morning walk to clear my mind then sitting down for several hours of quiet Bible study and writing. I imagined publishers vying over my newest book. I imagined being at the top of the New York Times Bestseller list and speaking around the country to women in need of encouragement.
Reality is nothing like I imagined.
I have been given a wonderful gift. I have the opportunity to be a full-time writer. But with that comes trying to figure out how to live in a house that isn’t mine and navigating a new relationship with my father without my mother. I get to set my own schedule, which is lovely, but very strange and awkward after so many years of having someone else dictate when and where to go to work and what time my evening events were to take place. I have persistent doubts about the e-books I’m preparing to self-publish and constantly question if my writing will ever have a God exalting impact in anyone’s life.
I got what I wanted…and it’s terrifying.
Some people think that God withholds things from us or gives us what we want in a way that we never imagined to mess with us. They reduce God to a capricious genie in a bottle with themselves as the master. When things don’t turn out the way they imagined, they get mad at God, abandon their families, or try new occupations, all in an effort to find this elusive thing we call happiness.
This is what happened time and again with the Israelites. They wanted released from the slavery of Egypt, but when freedom didn’t turn out to be like they dreamed, they complained and talked of returning to bondage. They asked for a king and became unhappy under faulty leadership and heavy taxes. Psalm 106:13-15 records:
They soon forgot His works; They did not wait for His counsel,
But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tested God in the desert.
And He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul. (NKJV)
I don’t mean to imply that God always gives us what we want to teach us a lesson or because we are acting out of rebellious hearts. My point is that no matter how glorious we imagine the grass to be on the other side of where we are now, there will always be some form of stinky fertilizer to face. God doesn’t do this to punish us, but to help us rely on Him in every aspect of our lives. I believe God’s desire is to train us to keep our eyes on Him without His having to put obstacles in our way to force us to our knees.
A few things to remember if your life is less than you imagined it would be:
- Nothing is ever as good as it seems. That yoga mom that rocks a size 2 and perfect makeup? She has her days of puking inconsolable children too. That best selling author you follow? You don’t know how many years he has been trying to perfect his craft and how many rejection letters he’s cried over. Give yourself grace. (Psalm 31:23)
- Nothing is ever as bad as it seems either. Storms come, and they may be fierce, but they are always temporary. The afternoon showers and the hurricane both have a time limit. You will get through your storm if you don’t give up. Cling to God. He is the rock that will keep you steady. (Isaiah 26:3-4)
- God isn’t messing with you. God does not rejoice in our sorrow. Scripture makes it clear that He cares when our hearts are broken (Psalm 56:8), and He desires good for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11). He may be allowing a trial to refine you more into His image, but He does this out of love, and not evil.
- Every good thing takes time, patience, love, and hard work to develop. Paintings, piano concertos, marriages, children, jobs, books, ministries…they all have to be formed over time. Rushing the process, taking shortcuts, and quitting all end up hurting you as the co-creator with God and result in substandard outcomes. If you desire a beautiful (fill in the blank as you choose) that will bless and encourage others, you must submit to God and allow Him to orchestrate the process as He sees fit. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
God makes all things beautiful in His time. If it isn’t beautiful yet, it isn’t time. Trust God, trust His process, and trust yourself. God is doing a good work in and through you. (Hebrews 13:20-21)
