I’m angry. In fact, I’ve been angry so much lately that I’m beginning to worry if I’m becoming one of those old, single, angry, cat ladies minus the cats. I have an almost constant knot in my stomach, I’m having a hard time sleeping and I’ve seriously considered quitting my job and living out of my car so that I can do something profitable with all of these emotions I’m experiencing. In a word, I’m a wreck.

Telly the Wrecked Tortoise

Why am I so angry, or more appropriately, “wrecked?” Glad you asked. I’m angry that children are being abused instead of being protected. I’m angry that women are being beaten by men that claim to love them. I’m angry that a person can take something meant for good and use it to terrorize a theatre full of people trying to enjoy time with their friends and family. I’m angry at people that prey on innocent girls and force them to do unspeakable things. I’m angry at the people that spend their money to view such things and even engage in such behavior. I’m angry at the rich that use their money to withhold from the poor and I’m angry at the poor that use their situations as an excuse to manipulate and injure others.

And on top of all of that I’m angry at myself for not doing more to stop it. 

For years I turned away from things that upset me, made me sad, or just bad situations that I felt I couldn’t do anything to help. I shut out news feeds that told of crime and hate. I closed my eyes during parts of the movies that I didn’t want to see. I nervously glanced in the other direction when sitting at a stop light near a person in need. I pitied, I judged, I felt a twinge of guilt, but never did I pray for them, open my heart to them, or shed a tear of compassion.

Until one day…

One day I was reading in the Gospels and was convicted by my lack of compassion. Jesus wept for the lost and gave up everything to be near to the hurting. He healed the broken and outcast. He spent time with the social rejects and ate dinner with the blue-collar guys that were doing what they could to feed their families. I didn’t do any of that, but what’s worse is that I didn’t even want to.

By this time I had become so practiced in shutting out uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that I could sit through any missionary presentation without feeling a thing. I admired those that had a desire to leave the comforts of home and closeness to their families to go to the hurting and the lost, but I had no desire to do such a thing myself. Other than occasionally giving more than a tithe to a missions fund or special offering, I never did much of anything out of my comfort zone of ministering in my church or taking part in a local outreach.

But God changed all of that. 

It began with a prayer. Nothing fancy. Just a quick request before going to bed that God would give me a heart of compassion. That He would give me eyes to see the hurting as He sees them. That I would be moved by the things that move His heart.

Without even realizing what was happening, God began to answer that prayer. I see things differently now. A prostitute is no longer someone that has no morals, but a woman being forced to walk a road of sin that she never intended to travel and has no idea how to escape from even if she had the means and opportunity to try. A rebellious child in foster care is no longer just a brat in need of discipline, but a soul in need of love and care and protection. The missing posters at Walmart are no longer nameless ghosts of faces that I hurry past without a thought. They are children who, in many cases, are being pimped and beaten for the profit of one that specializes in wielding power over the weak.

Jeff Goins calls this change of heart that I have experienced being “wrecked.” I didn’t even realize the full extent of what had happened to me until I read his book this week and discovered that not only is being “wrecked” a really good thing, but that it is very much a God thing. It is something that needs to happen to a person before they can really be used by God for their full potential.  The frustration, passion, anger, sorrow in the pit of my stomach and desire to do something, anything, and everything that God asks of me is exactly where I need to be right now. It is a process that God is working in my heart so that when the time is right and He is ready to ask me to make a difference in the life of someone in a situation totally foreign to me that I am ready to answer His call instead of looking the other way and pretending I didn’t hear Him.

I can’t say that this journey has been fun and I’m not entirely sure where this discomfort is going to lead me, but I wouldn’t turn back from this new direction if you paid me to. Even though it has been painful and caused me to lose more than one or two nights of sleep, I’m so thankful that God is changing my heart.

If you are like I was—wondering what your purpose in life is supposed to be, wondering why you seem empty of emotion, or simply looking to find meaning out of life and a way to make a difference— I encourage you to pick up a copy of Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams into your Comfortable Life by Jeff Goins. It beautifully articulates how God has “wrecked” my life, Jeff’s life and the lives of countless others for a greater purpose. God’s purpose. God can use us to make a difference in this world, to shine a light in this dark place. It might be uncomfortable, but as Jeff says,

Ask people who have radically changed their lives, and they’ll tell you the best decisions they made were when they were uncomfortable.

Wrecked by Jeff Goins