Sometime late in 2021, a phrase from 1 John 4:18 started running through my thoughts. “Perfect love casts out fear.” I’ve been wondering on that phrase and studying around it trying to figure out the mechanics of the thing. I have a lot of fear and I would love to be rid of it. It’s plagued me all of my life, and frankly, I’m tired of it. I want to be free and courageous and ready for anything God has for me.
The context around the phrase sheds some light.
Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
– 1 John 4:15-18
Perfect love is God’s love—and when we enter into relationship with Him through Jesus, the love of God is given to us through the work of the Holy Spirit. This confirmation of salvation takes away any fear of judgment we may have regarding the end times or the end of our days when we meet God face to face. The payment for our sin has been paid in full so we have nothing to fear. Jesus took our punishment for us on the cross.
But how does this help us not be afraid in other areas of life?
The answer came to me recently through an unexpected source. I was reading the book, “The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. The book is a simple yet detailed explanation of Attachment Science—how children, beginning at birth, form secure or insecure bonds with their primary caregivers based on whether or not they believe the caregiver can be trusted to meet their physical, emotional, and relational needs.
Children who have parents that attend to them when they cry, feed them when their hungry, make eye contact, play, cuddle, and do various other things on a consistent basis that communicate their love and commitment to caring for them form a strong attachment to that parent which also frames their view of the world.
Children who don’t receive consistent attentive care come to believe that the world is a scary place and they are on their own to meet their own needs.
Furthermore, children who are told to ignore their feelings (when parents say, “Don’t cry. You’re not hurt. They aren’t scary—go give them a hug.” etc.) learn they cannot even trust themselves and the messages their body is giving them.
These same children grow into adults who struggle with fear and have difficulty forming trusting relationships with themselves and others. This impacts every aspect of their lives, including their view of and relationship with God. But, as the authors state in The Power of Showing Up,
“History is not destiny!”
Science has shown us that children with insecure attachment can develop secure attachment with a change in parental behavior. Similarly, adults can learn to overcome the insecure attachment of their childhood by examining and understanding their past and then making changes towards secure and healthy relationships in their present.
“The acceptance and forgiveness that arise with making sense of your life are profoundly liberating. In many ways, we come to forgive ourselves for the adaptations we had to make, and to accept not only who we’ve been, but who we are now inviting ourselves to become…By doing your own personal inner work and earning a secure attachment, you break the cycle of insecure attachment and improve the lives of generations who follow you.”
The Power of Showing Up, p. 72
What hopeful words!
The most beautiful and profound lesson I have learned in this study of attachment is that just one healthy adult in a child’s life can make a profound difference for their attachment and development. And as adults, one healthy relationship can help a person heal from past developmental trauma.
We were made to help each other heal!
Beyond the human plane, we can also find healing when the one healthy relationship we enter into is with Jesus. We often struggle with our relationship with God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit because we attribute to the Trinity the attributes of our parents. We may feel God is cold and distant, angry, or unable to meet our needs in some way.
But if we can realize that any belief about God that is negative is also untrue, we can begin to accept His perfect love toward us. His perfect love can heal our brains and restore to us a sense of peace and belonging we may never have experienced with a human being. God is the perfect parent who is always there to help us through, even when trouble comes. God will never leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5) Furthermore,
“Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
– Romans 8:38-39
If we can learn to open our hearts to God’s healing, He will make us new. He will heal our broken places, filling the cracks with hope and courage and new life.
The fear that has been my constant companion for years may always be a struggle to some degree, but it doesn’t have to be the defining feature of my life. Leaning into God’s love and power and truth can make a way for me when I haven’t been able to see a way forward in the past.
I believe He can do the same for you.
I’m praying that this year LOVE takes the wheel in our lives and leaves fear on the side of the road. Will you join me? Let’s be road trip buddies into the freedom of God’s love and purpose for our lives.